Medical slang and acronyms

Some of these are really awful, or disrespectful, or unbelievably gross. Link. A selection:

AALFD - Another A**hole Looking For Drugs

ALS - Absolute Loss of Sanity (nutcase)

BFH - Brat From Hell (usually accompanied by PFH - Parent(s) from Hell)

Blamestorming - apportioning of blame for mistakes, usually to any locum or lowliest medic in sight

Brothelizer test - microbiology test (on swab or sample) requested by the Genito-Urinary Clinic or STD clinic to check for sexually transmitted diseases. A positive test result means the patient has "failed the brothelizer test".

Coffee and a Newspaper - Patient is Constipated (i.e. long time sitting on toilet with drink and reading matter)

COSMONAUT - Cat Owner, Smells, Made Of Nuts And Used Tampons ("mad cat lady" with poor hygiene and body odour)

D&D - Divorced and Desperate (middle aged female who visits doctor weekly just for male attention) Also Death and Donuts--the night shift

Doc In A Box - a small clinic/health centre, with ever-changing staff.

Donorcycle - motorbike: the biggest cause of donated organs! (hence reckless motorcyclists are known as Organ Donors and rainy days are Donation Days)

Dunlap Syndrome - belly done lapped over the waistband; obese (spare tyre, Dunlop being a brand of tire)

FORD - Found On Road Dead

GOLP - Generalised Old Lady Pains

GPH - Goddamns Per Hour

Improving His Claim - Victim of minor accident, needs no treatment but wants something to support his insurance/legal claim.

Janitor's fracture - a fracture so obvious that a janitor (cleaner) could diagnose it

LFTWM - Looking for 3 Wise Men (applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse)

Lipstick Sign - if a female patient is well enough to put on, she is well enough to be discharged

MGM syndrome - Faker putting on a real good show

OFIGATOOS - One Foot In the Grave And The Other One Slipping

Please Optimize Medical Treatment - don't call us until you've done your job first

Pumpkin Positive - a penlight shone into the patient's mouth/ear would encounter a brain so small that the whole head would light up

Qwertyitis - what a doctor suffers from when he spends more time on a computer than with actual patients

Scumdex - 1 pt for every tattoo, extra piercing, IVDU scar, etc. The higher the scumdex, the greater the likelihood of survival.