Dear Pat W. Johnston, Director of Consumer Services

Give it up, Pat (I think it is a made-up name like Betty Crocker, or Mr. Goodwrench). Stop sending me credit card offers. I don't care if you have NO ANNUAL FEE. I don't want your 20,000 bonus miles. I don't need your annual percentage rate of 9.24% (0.02532% daily) because I never carry a balance on my credit card. You have spent so much money, time, paper and postage on me. Do you think I'm being coy when I send your love letters back? And if I were to accept, here's what I'd have to do:

Authorize you to check my credit and employment history (which you've already done to pre-approve me)

Authorize you to transfer my current balance (don't have one)

Agree to limit my legal rights, including my right to go to court, to have a jury trial, and to participate in class actions

Accept an offer that is void to residents of GU, PR, VI and all other U.S. dependent areas, but apparently not to illegal immigrants who might be using my SS number and Tax ID that Ohio State lost in a hacking incident recently

Accept that I won't know my limits or the full details of the agreement until after you approve me

Accept that if you do make a mistake in billing, I must contact you no later than 60 days after the first bill, but if I phone to report the error (press 1 for English), I won't be preserving my rights. I need to write you a letter!

If I stop payment on an automatic withdrawal from my bank account because of your error, the letter (not a phone call) has to reach you three business days before the automatic payment is scheduled

After I've jumped through all those written letter and mail deadlines, you get 90 days after the 30 days you took to acknowledge my letter. You know what Pat, if that is really your gender-free name, this is beginning to sound as though you've got all the goodies on your side, doesn't it?

And if the merchant is the problem, he has to be in Ohio, within 100 miles of my current mailing address.

Then you have another bunch of rules specially made for Ohio residents about anti-discrimination. Credit must be equally available to all creditworthy customers and credit reporting agencies maintain separate credit histories on individuals upon request. In Ohio? Really? So that's how you got my name and address and put me in your data base? You can't get credit reports in other states except Ohio, New York, and Vermont? And I can't even begin to figure out what you said about married Wisconsin residents, but it sounds pretty strange.

Now that I've read all the way to the bottom, I see that you've already looked at my credit report and pre-screened me. Instead of tearing up these offers, I should have been calling the consumer opt-out number 1-888-567-8688. What do you want to bet that they'll ask me my social security number and there won't be a live person, and the recording will assure me all this is confidential?

Derek has been keeping track of Pat's letters. According to one of the commenters at his blog, these are more than just benign, pesky offers--these scum scams check your credit rating twice a month which degrades your credit! Another commentor added that calling the opt-out number didn't stop the offers.