Two friends--joke sent by friend Robin Hall (our Scotland trip)

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers
with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're
on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for
lunch?"
"Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side
action on the games." "OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So, where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK."

At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you
wanna go?"
"Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says,
"Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six
handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior
discounts." "Great choice"

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before."
“Okay, let’s give it a try."

A good prayer for these times

A Lakeside friend sends several e-mails a day--sometimes jokes, sometimes political comments, and then one like this. This is really good. I’ve been grumbling again about some of the failings of our church (as I see it), but perhaps the Lord is making biscuits.

A pastor attended a men's breakfast in the middle of a rural farming area of the country.

The group had asked an older farmer, decked out in bib overalls, to say grace for the morning breakfast:

"Lord, I hate buttermilk," the farmer began. The visiting pastor opened one eye to glance at the farmer and wonder where this was going.

The farmer loudly proclaimed, "Lord, I hate lard." Now the pastor was growing concerned.

Without missing a beat, the farmer continued, "And Lord, you know I don't much care for raw white flour."

The pastor once again opened an eye to glance around the room and saw that he wasn't the only one to feel uncomfortable.

Then the farmer added, "But Lord, when you mix them all together and bake them, I do love warm fresh biscuits.

So Lord, when things come up that we don't like, when life gets hard, when we don't understand what you're saying to us, help us to just relax and wait until you are done mixing. It will probably be even better than biscuits. Amen."

The guest room closet re-do

We’re remodeling the two upstairs bathrooms which has meant rearranging everything in the closets.  The guest room closet will now just hold out of season coats, the Christmas boxes, and some storage.  For the storage, I’ve purchased matching green boxes, the same color as the the guest bath walls.  Now, I’m repacking things into them.

Repacking the boxes of cards and letters saved over 50 years—now that’s a job.  I’ve done this before, and sent back to the writer, many letters.  But there are many notes and letters inside these cards.  For some reason I was writing little notes to my husband back in the 70s. I don't know the dates or situations (some sounded serious). I did find this written on the back of an envelope.

A young mother was trying to comfort her daughter when her pet kitten died, saying, "Remember, dear, Fluffy is up in heaven now with God." "But Mommy," the girl sobbed, "What in the world would God want with a dead cat?"

Brian and Norma chatting on an airplane

This is fiction of course, based on a circulating e-mail and my recent experience with an atheist spammer.

An atheist (St. Brian the Godless) was seated next to a little girl (Norma) on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Well then, -- do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book reporting him to his ISP for spamming and stalking her.

Forwarded from Rick and Kate

The lemon joke

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that Americans are not willing to do. The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified.

She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and I voted for Obama."

Forwarded e-mail from Bill Kientz

The oil crisis--it's been going around

When the gas prices go up, the "Garfield" cartoon linked to the oil crisis comes around--oldest I found was early 2008. Remember, President Bush gave us an unsuccessful stimulus to try to goose the economy and it didn't work any better than Obama's. But anyway. . . without using a copyright cartoon of Garfield, here it is:

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania and Texas
~~~
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC !!!!


HT Murray

Even if you can't find it. . .

It never goes away in cyberspace.

Two ions are walking down the road. Suddenly, one ion says: "Damn, I think I lost an electron!" The other ion says: "Are you sure?" The first ion turns to the other ion and replies: "Yeah, I'm positive!"

“A recent study done in England discovered that subjects who cursed while in pain could tolerate the pain longer. Experimental subjects inserted their hands in a bucket of very cold ice water and told to curse repeatedly. Results showed that subjects who repeated "f--- U" kept their hands in the cold water longer than subjects repeating non-curse words. Wow, maybe Canadian doctors can now recommend cursing while their clients wait 9 months for treatment for back pain. Can tipsters think of other practical applications of cursing?”

These are two of the topics I came across on the TIPS archive for July 2009, a discussion list for the teaching of psychology that can be searched by thread or date. I’m not sure why lists that require a subscription by people interested in a particular topic, then put their archive online for anyone to see. Most of the topics are serious, but I know that some of the off hand remarks I made on discussion lists back in the early 1990s as a librarian are still out there. That’s scary. I was always the one who didn’t stay on topic.

Oldie but goodie

This has been around the net many times, but it popped up in my e-mail this morning, sent by a friend of my husband from his high school years. I got a chuckle, maybe you will too.

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.

She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degree s, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."