A church joke from an internet friend

Subject: Squirrelly

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

Scams via texting

Although my baby is in her 50s, today she warned me about a scam that might come up in a text. It will say it's from UPS and will include a link for me to click for delivery, but it will try to steal information or direct me to another website that is bad. Since I've been waiting for a few online orders, I'd be a good target. I'm new to this "smart" phone stuff. I'd never fall for that in my e-mail, but I'm a novice on the other scams.

Seasons of life

 

No wonder men are happier by Unknown

Men are just happier people.! What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another service station to find a loo that isn’t too icky. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress: five thousand dollars. Tux rental: a hundred dollars. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister or mangle your feet. One mood, all the time! Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You expect and get extra credit for the slightest act of domestic work. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes – one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ”do” your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 24 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

A strange old lady

A strange old lady has moved into my house I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And, whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude! I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.

The least she could do is offer to pay part of the bills, but no. Every once in a while, I find a $5 bill stuck in a coat pocket or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. And I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $50 and a few days later, it's all gone! I certainly don't spend money that fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing.

Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate-especially the good stuff like ice cream, chips, and sweets. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my wardrobes when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She has done other things-like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier and all the knob and taps harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.

Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars. She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me.

I hope she never finds out where you live!

Right wing conspiracy

 

The Great Harvest of the Biden Administration

If you are a Democrat voter, or just someone who doesn't vote but speaks garbled Democrat, you must be proud of your harvest.

Christmas list suggestion

 Retired Librarian The Woman The Myth The Legend – Awesome Librarians

It's 94 at the lake

 And the air conditioning died.

  

 We've contacted the new owners and they've decide to replace rather than repair.  That's what the new environmental laws do--force people to buy new rather than repair. It's supposed to be cooler tomorrow, and we haven't had the really hot days that Columbus has experienced.  The AC was new when we bought our cottage in 1988, and we replaced it in 2002. So I hear 20 years is a good record for AC units. Tonight we go to the picnic in the park--last week was too rainy and cold! Tonight we'll be slapping our ankles as the bugs in the grass bite!

Don't mix your metaphors

 

Two friends--joke sent by friend Robin Hall (our Scotland trip)

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers
with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're
on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for
lunch?"
"Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side
action on the games." "OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So, where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK."

At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you
wanna go?"
"Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says,
"Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six
handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior
discounts." "Great choice"

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before."
“Okay, let’s give it a try."

The hoopla about women's health

 

Liberal parents

 

Insurrection Day

Democrats in full hysteria gear

 

Jeanne Robertson, 1943-2021, her final show

 I loved her comedy--squeaky clean and clever.  This was her last performance in July 2021.  She died August 21, 2021.  https://youtu.be/XbnUHYxtYgI  Jeanne tells the story about her friend Norma Rose.

Jeanne Robertson, Humorist, Dies Unexpectedly After 'Severe Illness' (popculture.com)

(2) Facebook  During the pandemic she did a back porch show.

Her friend Patrick Henry whom she mentions in the above routine. https://youtu.be/poDyt882iRA

Her son Beaver at funeral  https://youtu.be/zzzTFdb_FaI

Table for two, posted on FB as Ted Nugent

Hello.
Hi, table for two, please.
Sure, and your name.
Jessie.
Great. And do you and your guest have your vaccination cards?
We do. Can you tell us who our server will be?
Um, looks like Brad will be your server tonight.
Great. Can you show us Brad's vaccination card?
Um...
And also, can you provide me with proof that Brad is not a carrier of HIV, Hepatitis A or B, or any other communicable diseases?
Um...
Also, we would prefer not to be served by someone who is on or uses recreational drugs such as marijuana, cocaine, meth, fentanyl, etc, so if you could provide us with Brad's most recent tox screen, that would be great.
Um... Let me get the manager for you.
That would be great, thanks.

The struggle--never ending

  

In summer we spend a lot of time reading books on our porch, 

then a short walk to the kitchen for a snack.

 

How should we behave? guidelines

An excellent copy and paste: I didn't write this!

Congratulations President Elect Biden!

With that said, I’m going to need some help from my Ultra-Liberal and Never Trumper friends.

1. Can I borrow the #NotMyPresident hashtag or is that reserved for Trump?

2. Do I have to accept the election results or can I whine like a spoiled brat and cry for four years claiming election interference?

3. Am I entitled to see Biden’s tax returns to learn how his income jumped dramatically in one year?

4. Am I allowed to trash anything that Biden says or does without repercussion because I’m just expressing myself?

5. Is there a sign-up somewhere for riots or do organizers call me, or how does that work, since I didn’t get my way?

6. Are businesses targeted because they supported Biden, or do I just pick a business that has something I want to take home and just take it?

7. Were the thousands of businesses that boarded up for fear of riots for conservatives or liberals? If they were for conservatives, did I miss the riots already???

8. Where are the safe spaces? Is there a map or something? I may need to go cry for a little while.

9. Does all the free stuff your party has promised just come, or do I have to quit my job first?

10. What is the address you guys have been sending all that extra tax money to since you think people aren’t paying enough in taxes? I’m sure you have been voluntarily sending in more than required....

11. When my 401K crashes, will the President make up for that in give-a-ways or am I just screwed?

12. Since Socialism is what you just voted in, if my neighbor has something I want do I just take it or do I have to let him know I’m taking it?

13. When gas gets unaffordable, is there a EBT card for that?

14. I have seen the gatherings of conservatives protesting the election results, but something is wrong, nothing is getting destroyed. Did you guys go to a class for destroying property, businesses and livelihoods or could you provide some pointers on how to do it right please?

15. The conservative gatherings were dubbed super spreader events yet the protests, and now election gatherings by liberals are not. Did you guys secretly come out with the vaccine?

16. Funny how CDC has come up with a vaccine soon after you were pronounced the president elect. Can you and all your family and colleagues take it first to ensure it works.

 
17. So now you are President elect is every death now on you, or is Trump responsible just at your convenience?

I’m sorry for all the questions, this is all new to me. I want to make sure I get it right!!! 

18. Whenever ANYTHING goes wrong in the country in the next 4 years, and I always blame President Biden, don't criticize me or call me a partisan exremist. (That is what I'm REQUIRED to do, right?)

I am not used to acting like an ultra-liberal extremist or a Never-Trumper, so please be patient and thank you for understanding!

GARRISON KEILLOR ON "METHODISTS"

We make fun of Methodists for their blandness, their excessive calm, their fear of giving offense, their lack of speed, and also for their secret fondness for macaroni and cheese.

But nobody sings like them. If you were to ask an audience in New York City, a relatively Methodist-less place, to sing along on the chorus of "Michael Row the Boat Ashore," they will look daggers at you as if you had asked them to strip to their underwear. But if you do this among Methodists, they'd smile and row that boat ashore and up on the beach! And down the road!

Many Methodists are bred from childhood to sing in four-part harmony, a talent that comes from sitting on the lap of someone singing alto or tenor or bass and hearing the harmonic intervals by putting your little head against that person's rib cage.

It's natural for Methodists to sing in harmony. They are too modest to be soloists, too worldly to sing in unison. When you're singing in the key of C and you slide into the A7th and D7th chords, all two hundred of you, it's an emotionally fulfilling moment. By joining in harmony, they somehow promise that they will not forsake each other.

I do believe this: People, these Methodists, who love to sing in four-part harmony are the sort of people you can call up when you're in deep distress.

*If you're dying, they will comfort you.

*If you are lonely, they'll talk to you.

*And if you are hungry, they'll give you tuna salad.

*Methodists believe in prayer, but would practically die if asked to pray out loud.

*Methodists like to sing, except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn with more than four stanzas.

*Methodists believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital, even if they don't notify them that they are there.

*Methodists usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.

*Methodists believe in miracles and even expect miracles, especially during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.

*Methodists think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while passing the peace.

*Methodists drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.

*Methodists feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.

*Methodists are willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at the church.

*Methodists still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color of the season and think that peas in a tuna casserole adds too much color.

*Methodists believe that it is OK to poke fun at themselves and never take themselves too seriously.

And finally, You know you are a Methodist when:

It's 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service.

You hear something funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as you can.

Donuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee.

When you watch a Star Wars movie and they say, "May the Force be with you," you respond, "and also with you."

And lastly, it takes ten minutes to say good-bye!

Why did the chicken cross the road—an internet story with no attribution

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

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I’ve seen several versions; many have left out Trump and Biden but John McCain is in it.