The Friendship

We've been friends for over 30 years, having met in a women's Bible study group. Early on, we learned we shared a very important quirk--we'd drop everything when the other called and "go for coffee." We'd dump everything on each other that we figured our husbands didn't want to hear.

Although our age difference isn't significant--particularly at our current ages--her parents were about 20 years older than mine. I listened carefully as she worked her way through the "sandwich" generation stage. I was well prepared for what was to come. Although my parents lived to an older age than hers, I learned a lot by what happened to my friend. The same with schools and our children. I learned from her about negotiating nursery schools, elementary teachers, high school cliques, and college sororities--it was really comforting to have a pathfinder as a friend.

She also moved in different social circles. Actually, I hardly moved at all, truth be known, and really didn't care that much. I'd always liked having one or two really close friends. She cared deeply about social position and status in the community. So I listened and learned--about fashion trends, popular themes in home decor, and investment ideas--even technology. The very first VCR I ever saw was in her home. ("What would you do with it?" I whispered.) She belongs to an investment club, her college sorority alumnae group, and several women's clubs, one of which is over 100 years old. She's traveled more than I can even dream about--China, Russia, Europe, South America. When her children have had jobs in interesting cities like New York, DC, Seattle, Denver, San Francisco and Knoxville, I've listened patiently all these many years about her visits and their activities. Perhaps I was just a bit smug that my own daughter works two miles from here and can stop by for lunch. She's had season tickets for the various musical and sporting events around the city, so I keep up on what's going on around town--by listening, but not sharing in the seats.

However, there was a tiny crack developing, and as I look back I think it is because of our positions within our original families. I am the third of four siblings and am accustomed to jostling for attention and space, to arguing, to "kiss and make-up" discussions. She is an only child. This means she has a sense of entitlement that is totally foreign to me. Eldest children in larger families have this too--it is not confined to "onlies." They are completely unaware of their behavior, and will deny it if you point it out. So this meant that if she decided against discussing a topic, that was it. Done deal. Finished. Sometimes I wouldn't catch on--I'd continue rambling on, and then she'd say louder and more firmly, like a school teacher talking down to a child, "We're not going to argue about this any further, Norma." I was usually caught short since I hadn't been aware we were arguing. She had her opinion; I had mine. Or that's what I thought. I let it slide--just let her be "boss," because I enjoyed her company, she was well-read, intelligent, and cared about many of things I cared about.

After about 25 years of being the "little sister" to a woman who never had a sister, I began to rebel in the only way I knew how. I stopped calling. The alpha-female usually doesn't do the calling, so the effect of this was we saw a lot less of each other. Instead of getting together once or twice a week, we get together several times a year. We're doing lunch today and I'll listen and nod and smile--I can turn off my mouth for 30-40 minutes, especially when it is filled with food. I'll feel sad because I really miss her. And for the first time in 30 years, I had to look up her phone number.