Thursday thirteen--13 tips from waiters

This is from the Reader’s Digest, August 2008, and supposedly, real wait staff offered “tips.” I think #12 is important. Don’t take so much time that you hurt the waiter and the owner both! And #5 is good in any business. Treat people as you want to be treated. #4 is funny and suggests a touch of hostility, don't you think?

1. Avoid eating out on holidays and Saturday nights. The sheer volume of customers guarantees that most kitchens will be pushed beyond their ability to produce a high-quality dish.

2. There are almost never any sick days in the restaurant business. A busboy with a kid to support isn't going to stay home and miss out on $100 because he's got strep throat. And these are the people handling your food.

3. When customers' dissatisfaction devolves into personal attacks, adulterating food or drink is a convenient way for servers to exact covert vengeance. Waiters can and do spit in people's food.

4. Never say "I'm friends with the owner." Restaurant owners don't have friends. This marks you as a clueless poseur the moment you walk in the door.

5. Treat others as you want to be treated. (Yes, people need to be reminded of this.)

6. Don't snap your fingers to get our attention. Remember, we have shears that cut through bone in the kitchen.

7. Don't order meals that aren't on the menu. You're forcing the chef to cook something he doesn't make on a regular basis. If he makes the same entrée 10,000 times a month, the odds are good that the dish will be a home run every time.

8. Splitting entrées is okay, but don't ask for water, lemon, and sugar so you can make your own lemonade. What's next, grapes so you can press your own wine?

9. If you find a waiter you like, always ask to be seated in his or her section. Tell all your friends so they'll start asking for that server as well. You've just made that waiter look indispensable to the owner. The server will be grateful and take good care of you.

10. If you can't afford to leave a tip, you can't afford to eat in the restaurant. Servers could be giving 20 to 40 percent to the busboys, bartenders, maître d', or hostess.

11. Always examine the check. Sometimes large parties are unaware that a gratuity has been added to the bill, so they tip on top of it. Waiters "facilitate" this error. It's dishonest, it's wrong-and I did it all the time.

12. If you want to hang out, that's fine. But increase the tip to make up for money the server would have made if he or she had had another seating at that table.

13. Never, ever come in 15 minutes before closing time. The cooks are tired and will cook your dinner right away. So while you're chitchatting over salads, your entrées will be languishing under the heat lamp while the dishwasher is spraying industrial-strength, carcinogenic cleaning solvents in their immediate vicinity.

Link to Reader's Digest
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Tipping has changed!

This morning I took a Christmas card and a $20 bill into Panera's, addressed to "The morning staff," and included a little note of thanks. It seems like a big chunk when you give it at once, but not amortized. I'm there about 4 days a week, 42 weeks of the year, so that's what, about a 12 cent tip per visit on a $1.69 cup of coffee with several refills, a seat by the fireplace, regulars and friends to chat with and 3 papers to read? Two of the staff members came over to my table later to personally thank me. That was nice--and it gave me a chance to share about "the olden days."

When I worked at Zickuhr's Drug Store in high school and a few weeks between college sessions between Manchester and University of Illinois, a cup of coffee was $.10 and the advice and kidding was free and never ending, as was the Monday Morning Quarter Backing all week long about the local sports teams. But it wasn't unusual to get a quarter tip. Dave Dillehay, the town clerk, was particularly generous. If I got on the honor roll, which was posted in the town paper each 6 weeks, I got a $5 gift certificate. And when I got married, he gave me a silverplate tea service, which now resides at my daughter's home. Yes, those were the days of tipping!

Both Dave Dillehay and Ralph Zickuhr have parks named for them, from a grateful community--they were good leaders and well liked.