The parental example

What life lessons did your parents teach you? We had a question like that in a group exercise at the women's club this week. I wrote a blog about this in 2007, and it's a good thing because by 2022 I would draw a blank.

Thirteen Little Things

When we are children we learn life time lessons from our parents, some by their words, others by actions. Today I'm jotting down 13 habits, techniques, behaviors, attitudes, etc. learned from my parents that are still with me, some without thinking about them, some throw aways, in no particular order. Chime in with a few of yours.

1. If you are with someone, always open the door and let your friend(s) walk through first.

2. Make a square, military corner on the bottom sheet (when I was a little girl there were no fitted sheets) to keep it from pulling loose. Stop to admire your effort. Although I don't do this now, the principle of doing something right the first time and taking pleasure in it is a good one.

3. Always wear an apron in the kitchen. Aprons certainly aren't what they used to be, and it seems to me food splashes more, so when I put one on, I often think of my dad who always reminded me, even as an adult.

4. Turn housework into a game (usually against the clock). My mother was big at trying to make "work" into "fun." This usually got an eye roll from me and a whine.

5. Respect others with your appearance. Both my parents would "fix up" for the other after their work day, and we always ate as a family with properly set table, pleasant conversation.

6. Clean up the kitchen after the meal; never leave dirty dishes on the counter or in the sink. I often fail with this one--maybe this would be a good New Year's resolution.

7. Start the week right with church attendance.

8. A gentleman always comes to the door to pick up a lady for a date. First timers meet the parents.

9. Sit like a lady (this was back in the days when girls and women usually wore skirts or dresses). Corollary: don't slouch.

10. The proper way to answer the phone. We often had to take orders for my dad, so this greeting I no longer use. However, I still keep paper and pencil by the phone, and I try not to mumble. I also overheard how dad spoke to his customers and even today I expect this from business people.

11. "A soft answer turns away wrath." This is my mother's from Proverbs 15:1. Never quite grasped this one, but it worked for my mother, who lived it and often quoted it. I can't remember her ever raising her voice (but she had a look in her eye that could stop you in your tracks).

12. The person who feeds the puppy is the one who will be loved by it. Usually this was Mom, because despite all our promises to care for it, she's the one who usually took pity on the poor thing. When I was growing up the dogs and cats lived outside. If it got bitterly cold, they could stay on the porch or in the basement.

13. In your lifetime you will probably have three really good friends. I'm still thinking about this one. Life has different stages--friendships vary--but the number seems pretty accurate.

YouTube channels--addictive time wasters

Do you ever watch the YouTube channels? Today I wasted a huge amount of time watching 3 videos of Top Notch Lawn Care. Yup. Watched a guy cleaning up the worst yards and lawns you've ever seen. Thousands of viewers and many comments. It was sort of satisfying after all the war footage and the hopeless mess our politicians get us into. As my mom who remodeled her parents' farm home as a religious retreat center used to say, "I can't save the world but I can save 4 acres." I think that must be how this guy believes.

An old, old story

 Social media--e-mail and Facebook and Instagram--will never give you joy in memories 80 years later--those pixels will be long gone (unless you've printed them), and the next time I get a new computer, most of what I saved from my sister, cousin, and friends will be gone. But generations before this had the post office. I've seen the letters that my great-grandfather received from his parents in Pennsylvania after he settled in Illinois in 1848. And until recently when I repacked all my old letters, I had a birthday card from my mother written in 1995 that I would re-read. She died in 2000 so I loved looking at her handwriting.

Sept. 18, 1995

Dear Norma--This card will probably be late for your birthday, so we can look at the date this way.  You were born several days--one or two--early.  Dr. Dumont gave me the hurry-up treatment of castor oil and something on the evening of the 19th so the baby would come quickly and allow him to go on the fishing trip scheduled for the next day.  There was no harm done and one or two minutes before midnight you were on the scene.

Of course, that quick journey  left you a most beautiful baby, not red and wrinkled.  So you became "Peachy" at a very early age and you probably would have had September 20th or 21st as a birthdate!

January 24

The book of Hebrews in the NT (Ch. 11 and 12) says we have a cloud of witnesses --and that's all the OT saints and the ones who died for Christ, and all our loved ones who have gone before. Twenty one years ago today my mother left us--but she's got a seat in the grandstand cheering us on, "Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us. . . "

Graduation Day

The Crew Cuts were a Canadian boys group popular when I was a teen.  Today I was trying to get the cd player in my clock radio to work, and pulled their disc from a Lakeside appearance a few years back. It worked after some button experimenting. Graduation Day wasn't their hit (it was Four Freshmen), but it came on. It was a 50s do-wap collection. Made me sort of sad for all the graduates who didn't get their big day.

With Mom in the dining room at 4 S. Hannah.  She was 45 and I was 17.

Coverings and bonnets and a new desk

If one of my nieces had asked me, "Who has Grandma's prayer covering," I could have honestly told her, "I don't know, ask your mother." No more. I found it along with many pair of scissors, at least 10 old eye wear, a hand held calculator with no batteries, a 2017 pocket calendar, Museum of Art membership card for 2018, phone # for appliance repair, bags and envelopes of cancelled stamps for donation to an organization that uses them, math compass, rulers 12" and 6", User's guide for my CD clock radio 1999, perhaps 20-30 half used small notebooks, old photos that didn't make the cut for one of our 40+ photo albums, sacks of cards waiting for just the right moment which never comes, decorative magnets purchased as souvenirs of our travels, 20-30 CDs with various updates or unknown information, and an unopened box for a course in Constitution 101. I have several more boxes to go through before the transition to my new desk is finished.  The old Steelcase that I’ve had for over 40 years will go to new home, when pick ups are allowed again. At least 85% of its contents need to leave this house with it.

For those unfamiliar with Anabaptist traditions, a prayer covering is something Christian women wear for communion, or if they are conservative Mennonite or Old order Brethren, they wear them all the time. Mother usually kept a few extras in her desk drawer (neater than mine) in case there were relatives visiting during the Easter season when the twice a year observance took place. The last time I had communion (Brethren Love Feast) in my home church was probably the mid-1990s, so I would have borrowed one. But this one was hers--the tattered envelope is labeled. She died in January 2000.

I found a blog written by a Monica Rice, a 2011 MA graduate of Bethany Theological Seminary, who has studied this tradition in depth. It's not exactly the way I remember things, but it's been over 50 years since I was a member and each locality or congregation sets its own standards. The photo looks like Mom's covering and the one I had. Some are in bonnet form and each style has its own history and tradition. Somewhere packed away I have my great grandmother's black bonnet from the 19th century.

I also own the first yearbook of Bethany because my grandfather was on the Board, but that’s another blog (or I’ve already written one).

http://www.brethrenlifeandthought.org/2012/09/28/what-about-the-prayer-covering/

Twenty years plus

Earlier in January it occurred to me that I should write something on the 20th anniversary of my mother's death, but the 24th came and went and it wasn't until today when I was looking at my bunny coffee cup which was hers, that I recalled it had been twenty years. She died on the 24th of January 2000, her mother on the 25th of 1963 and her father on the 26th of 1968. The bunny cup has a mommy rabbit and eight little brown and white bunnies, and is my favorite cup.  I use it almost every morning.

Today when photos are a dime a dozen and people just whip out a phone to capture the moment, it seems odd that I don't have a photo of the three of them together, except in larger group pictures, like this one from 1949 in Wilmington, Ohio. Grandpa is between his older sister, Alice (b. 1870), and grandma, and then my mom.  My brother Stan and I are squinting in the sun. I'm wearing my most favorite dress of all time--it's yellow, but only I can tell when I look at the photo.  We were on our way to the Church of the Brethren Annual Conference in Ocean Grove, New Jersey, but stopping along the way to visit and spend the night with relatives. As I found out years later from talking with Mother, this was not a happy trip--my grandparents were trying to find out information on the death of their son who died in 1944 in WWII. My mother who was doing the driving was suffering debilitating headaches and my brother got sick from the heat.  But, being only 10, it all went over my head and I remember the highpoints with relatives, the tourist spots and the ocean.

 Uncle Edwin Jay, who apparently took the photo, was president of Wilmington College from 1915-1927.  (I looked through the website for Wilmington College and found this about his 12 years there: "The so-called "period of expansion" occurred under the leadership of President J. Edwin Jay, under whose tenure Lebanon Normal University merged with Wilmington College and teacher training was introduced into the curriculum.")  I think he probably died in 1964 and may have been 95, but I have no idea what he did between 1927 and 1964. He and I corresponded, and we never discussed his life. If his writings and letters are archived where he taught, there will be a group from a teen-ager in Illinois.

 

Thoughts on Mother and mothering

Sunday, August 25, was the 85th anniversary of my parents’ wedding. They died in 2000 and 2002, having celebrated together 65 years during the previous August wedding of my sister in 1999.  My dad wasn’t one to keep a diary, but he did jot things down in a little spiral bound notebook later in life, and he noted that on their anniversary in 2000 he took Mother’s ashes on a ride in the country on their 66th.  He never tired of driving the country roads even though he had done that most of his life to earn a living. After they’d both retired, he and Mom would sometimes take Sunday drives around Ogle and Lee counties just recalling the past, or enjoying the changes of seasons, or how the crops were doing, or which farms were being kept up. In fact, even when I was a child, Sunday afternoon “entertainment” might be driving to Iowa to look around. That certainly wouldn't have been my choice with 4 children in the car.

I’d also been thinking about Mom because a very old memory had popped to the surface during one of our Lakeside 2019 classes by Chef Stacy.  It was on home made pasta.  We didn’t eat a lot of pasta when I was growing up—our spaghetti came out of a can and would be for lunch--never dinner. I didn’t learn to appreciate pasta until meeting Bob’s mother, who made fabulous homemade spaghetti, with tossed salad and garlic bread.   But Mom was also trying out new things, and she must have seen an article on making noodles, because we went through a phase when we lived in Forreston of her testing out this new skill.  I remember watching her make it—the recipe is very simple, just flour, water and eggs.  She did her best, but the beef roast and noodles dish was usually a gooey mess.  Dad might have said something about it, and she dropped that experiment forever to disappear from her menus.  Stacy made it look so easy, I may try it, and dedicate the gooey mess to Mom’s memory.

In today’s meditation I read a letter from Concepcion Cabrera de Armida to her son Pancho (nickname for Francisco).  She died in 1937, and was a wife, mother, and writer in Mexico.  She apparently wrote about 65,000 of these little messages.  It reminds me a lot of what my mother would say to her children.

• Avoid the least quarrel and do not stop at any sacrifice to have peace in your home.
• It is better to bend than to break.
• With prudence, education and certain common sense, many troubles can be avoided.
• Oh, my son! Never forget that everything you are, all that you have and the happiness you now enjoy, you owe to the good Jesus who has loved you with such tenderness! From how many dangers he has delivered you!
• Be grateful, my son: recognize with gratitude the fatherly tenderness of God over you and demonstrate your gratitude by your actions, and never be ashamed of being a good Christian.
• Be dignified with everyone but never haughty.
• Keep on being honest under every circumstance.
• Do not soil your soul with business deals that extort your fellowmen.
• May your soul be always clean—poverty does not soil or shame one—and you will be happy.
• May your home, dear Pancho, be a model of Christian homes where the Lord reigns and a worldly atmosphere does not enter; where the peace and happiness that are born from the accomplishment of one’s duty, be settled there.
• Never spend more than you have, not even all that you earn; thrift helps marriages avoid a lot of trouble.
• But do not be avaricious; aim for a happy medium maintaining a decent and fitting social standing, not living in luxury, even if you become rich.
• Let the poor be considered one of your ordinary expenses, and God will not fail you.
• Don’t limit your piety to exterior observance but rather practice the virtues, being patient in adversity, resigned to the adverse events of life, because if we receive from the Lord so many goods, why should we not also receive the sufferings he desires to send us? (Magnificat, vol. 21, no. 6 p. 387-388.)

I thought my mother had stopped by

but it was just me.

Found in a Christmas card, December 1998

Still finding letters from my mom inside the card box I'm clearing out. By this time (1998) Mom and Dad were living in a lovely retirement apartment at Pinecrest, so the view she describes is from their front room window. Of course, it's nicer to see her familiar handwriting, so here is only the content. She was 86.

Marge invited me to go along to a Home Extension meeting yesterday.  I had been a 50 year member, so many of the group remembered me.  It was a very enjoyable time.  I even came home with a gift, a pretty pin to wear on my dress.  The meeting was at Marlene Witmer's. The Home Ext. ladies reminded me that there had been a Christmas meeting at the farm (near Franklin Grove).  I had forgotten about it.  It was quite a long time ago.

We had pizza at Amy's house last evening.  She had made 3 kinds and I chose olive and mushroom! Chris and his girl friend and Heather and boyfriend were also there.  Chris had his pet cat along in a carrier.  The cat had nearly been killed by the Tomcat and needed extensive veterinary help.  It was a lovely cat and reminded me of kittens in the barn when Clare and I hunted them.

We have 9 lighted pines to view from our front window.  Beautiful when the lights go on at 4:30.  We plug in our little Christmas tree then, too.  We have a wreath on the door.  It makes a very nice walk to do the 3 floors and view how cheerful it looks with so many decorated.  Our next door neighbor has their door covered with little Santas and other Christmas reminders.  There are many "Baby Jesus" pictures and it's not all Santa Claus.

My one little African violet is blooming again after a 2 months rest.  The geranium isn't getting any buds.  Think it needs some real sun.

Think I'll walk up town this afternoon sporting my cane.  Dad insisted I use one since I took that tumble in November.  This warm weather surely won't last.  I would really like to see a touch of pretty white snow and watch someone else shovel it.  I have my warm coat and gloves and boots all ready for cold weather!     Love Mother

Found with a birthday card, a letter from Mom

I used to joke with my mom about her crop and weather reports in her letters.  I'm sorry about that now--they are really very sweet when rereading 30 years later.  I don't have a date on this one (inserted in a birthday card), but she was looking for an out of print book with a copyright date of 1980, and she mentions her plans to go to Hawaii (with my sister Carol) which I think was in the early 90s. Reading the story of the mice reminds me of the stories she would make up while braiding my hair as a child.

"The tag end of the garden and fruit demand attention.  The compost heap is full of seeds, cores and peelings.  The apple crop is so huge, but of course lots of it is rather poor because we can't quite keep ahead of the small creatures.  The one apple tree is especially bad but when an apple is good it is very tasty.  It is a Jon-a-Del, I think.

There is a hole in the trunk where a little family of field mice are staying.  Little Kerby Jasper loves to have Amy show her where Jon and Del live.  One can peer into the hole and see their beady little eyes shine.  They seem to know they are safe.  The cats and dogs stand around and bark, but all is quiet inside where harm can't reach them.  We have now an on going story about Jon and Del's family.

The grapes are more than we can use but so far 2 bushel have been turned into juice.  The mosquitoes are so bad that it is torture to try and pick them while being bombed. . . .

Our trip [to Hawaii?] is drawing near and finding the lists are getting longer.  Probably do a day of shopping for small items Friday. . . We will surely get out to see you and Bob this fall.  We will talk about the time when I get back from Hawaii.

Monday Memories--Mom's crystal goblets

We've been moving and shifting furniture for about a week, redistributing books to various resale locations, removing our huge cabinet for the TV, hanging different paintings, digging things out of cupboards, and washing what has been stored for years. None of this would have been possible without our son-in-law who not only has a dollie, but knows how to move furniture. The huge TV entertainment unit which had 6 pieces was the biggest challenge--two parts are in the garage awaiting a new home, and four have been rearranged for our living room. Yesterday I was explaining various pieces of glassware and china to my daughter, and which belonged to whom, me, my mother, grandmother, or great grandmother, my in-laws, or what country the memorabilia from our travels came from and what I found at garage sales 45 years ago.

 

 All I had was family lore for my mother's crystal water goblets. I knew my father bought the dozen for her at an estate sale during the Depression. Not sure she was thrilled since they had one baby and one on the way, but the goblets always had a place of honor in their home, and were rarely used. Now they are mine, and rarely used. My daughter sat down at the computer and in a few minutes had identified them as Cambridge Caprice clear, 1936-1958. Cambridge is in Ohio so I've been browsing the museum website and looked at the latest newsletter. Churches and community organizations would die for this sort of support. Hull Pottery which was also produced in Ohio and closed its doors years ago (I have a number of pieces) also has a very strong association with conventions and media. http://www.cambridgeglass.org/articles/ecb/ecb201611.pdf

 

Proverbs and Parables, by Dee Brestin

Cleaning out cabinets today. We're planning to make some adjustments so books, files and even dishes might have to be moved.  How do I toss out a Bible study from 1987-88 on Proverbs with my Mom's handwriting and the prayer concerns of all the dear ones from the Brethren church now gone--Ada and Grover, Hazel and Irwin, Lola, Lovita, Velma, Ruby, Harlan, Ira, etc. ? This is why cleaning bookshelves and cabinets takes such a long time!  I have to stop and read.

 

Monday Memories--Mom's pickles

My children have such wonderful memories of my mother, and they are now at the age (late 40s) where nostalgia is really kicking in. When they were small, we'd vacation at her farmhouse near Franklin Grove, Illinois, which has recently been sold by my brother who lived there a few years after moving back to Illinois from Florida. So they remember working with her in the garden, mowing the yard, or picking raspberries, or playing in the dusty barn, or using the building blocks stored in the living room window seat.  I did those same things when I was a child, so it's a pleasant shared memory. Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me photos of her 21 jars of pickles using a recipe my mother had given her 23 years ago. That desire skipped right over me. I canned a few jars when I was 17 and decided it was way too much work to do again. But I will certainly enjoy a pint of these beauties.

Mom working in her garden, watercolor by my husband