Happy Birthday, Dad

Happy Birthday to my dad--he would be 112 today, died in 2002. I don't have a lot of mushy, gushy remembrances like some of my FBF or blogging friends, but I do laugh at some of the stories I remember. He was really sappy with the grandchildren, but with his own kids--well, there was that thing called the Great Depression and WWII and trying to get his life back on track, and put all that behind him. My favorite story is the day he went to the court house to get his birth record for Social Security and was told he was registered as "baby boy." (I've seen the ledger book in calligraphic handwriting of 1913.) When asked could anyone vouch for his identity, he said, "Yes, my mother and father." We all got a good laugh, but Grandma sure wasn't happy about it. She'd had his name picked out a long time, and the doctor just forgot to register it (born at home).

Antiques Roadshow, pt. 3, the dictionary

The Antiques Roadshow appraisal at our house today is my Merriam-Webster New International Dictionary of the English Language 2nd edition Unabridged. At least that's what I told my husband at dinner, but I was wrong. The word Merriam isn't in the title but is in the publisher's name. And until I looked at it carefully, I had several things incorrect. I'd assumed it was copyright 1948, but it is 1934. It has an updated "New Word" section which is 1939 and 1945, but 1948 is on the title page. That section (from the 40s) is truly fascinating. You can still purchase Mr. Webster's 1828 edition and it's interesting because it reflects a Judeo-Christian culture. The 1934 2nd edition unabridged was last printed about 1960 and the copyright doesn't end for a few years. But the 3rd edition is available.

This particular antique was a Christmas gift to my parents perhaps in 1949 or 1950 from my grandparents. My aunt and uncle probably were given one too. My parents had a special stand for it which someone else in the family might have. The volume is massive, so a stand that fits would be helpful. It sits on our dining room buffet. After my father died in 2002 it became mine. I use it frequently. 

Here's how language and dictionaries change with the culture.

 
Marriage (1828 Webster's dictionary): "MAR'RIAGE, noun [Latin mas, maris.] The act of uniting a man and woman for life; wedlock; the legal union of a man and woman for life. marriage is a contract both civil and religious, by which the parties engage to live together in mutual affection and fidelity, till death shall separate them. marriage was instituted by God himself for the purpose of preventing the promiscuous intercourse of the sexes, for promoting domestic felicity, and for securing the maintenance and education of children."

 
The color plates and illustrations are as good as the day 10 year old Norma first looked at it. The print does seem to have grown smaller! There are 600 special topics with little bios about the editors and there were special assistant editors checking their work!

Our parents

In the book The Five People You Meet in Heaven, Mitch Albom wrote, "Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them - a mother's approval, a father's nod - are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives.”

The parental example

What life lessons did your parents teach you? We had a question like that in a group exercise at the women's club this week. I wrote a blog about this in 2007, and it's a good thing because by 2022 I would draw a blank.

Thirteen Little Things

When we are children we learn life time lessons from our parents, some by their words, others by actions. Today I'm jotting down 13 habits, techniques, behaviors, attitudes, etc. learned from my parents that are still with me, some without thinking about them, some throw aways, in no particular order. Chime in with a few of yours.

1. If you are with someone, always open the door and let your friend(s) walk through first.

2. Make a square, military corner on the bottom sheet (when I was a little girl there were no fitted sheets) to keep it from pulling loose. Stop to admire your effort. Although I don't do this now, the principle of doing something right the first time and taking pleasure in it is a good one.

3. Always wear an apron in the kitchen. Aprons certainly aren't what they used to be, and it seems to me food splashes more, so when I put one on, I often think of my dad who always reminded me, even as an adult.

4. Turn housework into a game (usually against the clock). My mother was big at trying to make "work" into "fun." This usually got an eye roll from me and a whine.

5. Respect others with your appearance. Both my parents would "fix up" for the other after their work day, and we always ate as a family with properly set table, pleasant conversation.

6. Clean up the kitchen after the meal; never leave dirty dishes on the counter or in the sink. I often fail with this one--maybe this would be a good New Year's resolution.

7. Start the week right with church attendance.

8. A gentleman always comes to the door to pick up a lady for a date. First timers meet the parents.

9. Sit like a lady (this was back in the days when girls and women usually wore skirts or dresses). Corollary: don't slouch.

10. The proper way to answer the phone. We often had to take orders for my dad, so this greeting I no longer use. However, I still keep paper and pencil by the phone, and I try not to mumble. I also overheard how dad spoke to his customers and even today I expect this from business people.

11. "A soft answer turns away wrath." This is my mother's from Proverbs 15:1. Never quite grasped this one, but it worked for my mother, who lived it and often quoted it. I can't remember her ever raising her voice (but she had a look in her eye that could stop you in your tracks).

12. The person who feeds the puppy is the one who will be loved by it. Usually this was Mom, because despite all our promises to care for it, she's the one who usually took pity on the poor thing. When I was growing up the dogs and cats lived outside. If it got bitterly cold, they could stay on the porch or in the basement.

13. In your lifetime you will probably have three really good friends. I'm still thinking about this one. Life has different stages--friendships vary--but the number seems pretty accurate.

Liberal parents

 

Which cities have the highest rate of unmarried families?

Smartest Dollar this week features cities with the most single parent families--also the poorest in society (as a group--not all single parent families are poor). Ohio doesn't score well--Cleveland (73.3%) and Columbus (49.4%), #1 and #8. For smaller cities, Dayton (70.1%) was #1. https://smartestdollar.com/research/cities-with-the-most-single-parents-2020?

The solution for government workers (deep state and elected) is to throw more money at it. But when you look at the stats, either in print or in a graph, it primarily took off after the War on Poverty and affected more blacks than whites. In the worst days of Jim Crow, Blacks had a higher marriage rate and lower unemployment than whites. Driving dad out of the home with promises of government assistance in his place has been very harmful for the black family. But whites have followed the trend with marriage being considered a non-essential until other needs are fulfilled.

Also, not mentioned in this article is the effect of the pill and abortion in convincing women that they could go it alone.

Then when you see which ethnic group has done the best in solving this, it isn't whites, it's Asians, who have the highest marriage rate, the lowest unemployment and the highest education rate of any group in our society. It doesn't even mention that in the article, but you can check it in other sources.

Marriage, not government programs, is the solution to child poverty. What does BLM want to destroy? The nuclear family--i.e. marriage--because of its link to personal property and religion. Which group as the highest rate of child poverty because of unmarried parents--blacks. This is a statistic BLM will tell you is racist, because marriage is racist.

From helicopter parents to lawnmower parents

Lawnmower parents go to whatever lengths necessary to prevent their child from having to face adversity, struggle, or failure.

Instead of preparing children for challenges, they mow obstacles down so kids won’t experience them in the first place.

https://www.weareteachers.com/lawnmower-parents/

Daddies and babies

I love seeing the daddies and grandpas pushing the baby strollers in the dawn's early light at Lakeside. Someone drew the short straw when the little one woke up. But yesterday about 7 a.m. as I nodded and spoke to the 30-something dad, I could smell the cigarette smoke on his clothing (he wasn't smoking--we're a smoke free community, even on the streets). I could still smell it a block away as I walked where they had just been. Think about the house and car! And the baby's lungs! And think about how that sweet baby learns to associate the smell of cigarettes with hugs, cuddles and daddy.

Joan and her sister Carol, blogging and Facebook friends,  were both school teachers before retirement, and have said, “When I taught school, I could tell which children had parents who smoke because the smell of smoke permeated the children’s clothes.”

So I decided to look it up—if I were concerned, surely someone has researched it.   And yes.  “ Children’s Hedonic Judgments of Cigarette Smoke Odor: Effects of Parental Smoking and Maternal Mood” https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1783765/

“We hypothesized that children of smokers would like the cigarette odor and prefer it relative to a neutral odor more than children of nonsmokers. Moreover, we hypothesized that children’s preference for cigarette odor would be attenuated if their mothers experienced cigarettes in a negative emotional context. . . . The current findings suggest that early learning about the sensory aspects of smoking is anchored to children’s experiences at home and the emotional context in which their mothers smoke. However, it is not clear how variation in the timing and amount of exposure to cigarette smoke during childhood affects the formation and persistence of such olfactory associations. If these odor associations persist throughout childhood into adolescence, our data may suggest that children who experience cigarette smoke in the context of a relaxed mother may have more positive associations with smoking, whereas those who experience the odor with a mother who smokes to reduce tension may have more negative associations. Whether such associations (either positive or negative) affect children’s risk for smoking initiation is not known. The long-term effects of early hedonic judgments about cigarette odor are important areas for future research.”

How single moms make it

A mother replies to an article in the Washington Post about single moms. http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2014/12/18/the-unbelievable-rise-of-single-motherhood-in-america-over-the-last-50-years/

“As a single mom left alone with two small children after my ex-husband left, I never used public welfare, educated my children in private schools through scholarships, and put myself through graduate school. One child graduated from medical school and the other is a dean's list student in college. The secret? They had a loving, nurturing and committed parent in their life who never missed a recital, lacrosse game, etc., even while studying for the bar exam. Was it hard? Absolutely. Was it impossible, no. With the help of lots of miracles, I was determined they would not be a statistic of their parents' faltered dreams. I didn't have the time/interest in dating and chose early on not to bring men around my two young daughters. I brought these two into the world and they were a priceless gift to me. As such, they were my top priority and remain so. Being their mom is my greatest accomplishment. If people looked on children more as a gift and treated them as such, the world would be better off.”

Abby Johnson used to work for Planned Parenthood

“I remember when I worked at Planned Parenthood in 2005, we were fighting SO hard to stop the parental consent legislation. We knew it would be devastating for us. Parental notification was SO easy to get around. They could give us the number to Walmart or Target or their cousin and as long as we said we made the contact, then they could get their abortion. We knew parental consent would make our jobs much more difficult. And I remember sitting across the hall from all of the pro-life groups...the groups that we were fighting. Well, all but ONE. There was ONE group that stood alongside Planned Parenthood. There was ONE group that opposed parental consent. I remember thinking to myself THEN, "what type of 'pro-life' group would ever not want parental consent?" Well, that same group is continuing to fight against parental consent in our state. Any group that will stand alongside Planned Parenthood is certainly no pro-life group. We must divide from these groups as they are incredibly detrimental to our efforts. The group I am referring to in this case is Texas Right to Life fueled by the damaging legislation of National Right to Life.”

From her Facebook page

When black men succeed

they probably have a dad in the home with mom and the two parents had high expectations. Sixty percent of black male achievers grew up in homes with two parents. “Census data show that only 35 percent of black children grow up in two-parent homes,” reports Inside Higher Ed.

Shaun Harper set out to do something about the image of black men as failures.

"He built his own research agenda as a graduate student a decade ago. In a study released today, the first from his new Center for the Study of Race and Equity in Education at Penn, Harper analyzes a cohort of 219 black men (at a range of institutional types) who meet rigorous criteria that define them as "achievers," to understand both how and why they succeeded in college, and what campus leaders and others might do to help others follow in their footsteps.

The answers drawn from the National Black Male College Achievement Study are anything but elemental. Demographically, the subjects look much like their black male peers -- three in five hail from low-income or working class backgrounds (compared to about two-thirds of all African-American families) and nearly half have parents with no college degree -- and as a group they shun the idea that they are cognitively smarter than their less-successful friends or cousins or other peers (and their high-school academic records largely back that up).

What does differentiate them, the study suggests, is a complex stew of mostly external factors that appeared to give them a sense that college was not only possible but expected, and engaged them academically and otherwise in their schools and colleges. Among those influences: involved parents with high expectations for them; at least one K-12 teacher who took a personal interest in their academic and personal future; adequate financial support to pay for college; and a transition to college in which high expectations were set for them as much if not more by influential black male juniors and seniors at their institutions as by formal programs designed to smooth their way.

This study has implications for white families, too. Many children are growing up, not just in divorced families, but with a mom or dad who didn't marry the other biological parent. Lack of marriage is the biggest reason for poverty in the United States. Uncle Sam is not a good step-father.

Dear Mom and Dad, December 22, 1980

1980 has not been one of my healthier years. I went to the doctor today and had chest x-rays and blood tests. My chest is clear, viral bronchitis, he says, and gave me an antibiotic to keep it from becoming pneumonia. I get my glasses in a week, and that will be a relief. If life begins at 40, I'm in trouble.

We received your Christmas packages safely, and they've been put under the tree, to be felt, shaken and poked by two eager kids. We've been reading the nice Advent book and calendar Joanne gave us at breakfast.

We went to a tree farm this year and cut our tree. I wouldn't say it is quite like the TV commercials, but it was fun. There was a roaring fire at the barn, and lots of jolly people around.

We've had a few holiday get togethers. A neighbor had an open house, and the art league had a pot luck dinner, and the AIA had a reception (but I was sick) and the office party is tomorrow, but I may not be able to go. It will be a lovely affair--dinner at the hotel in the Ohio Village, a 19th century reconstructed village which is a nice tourist attraction. They have carolers in costume and everything is deorated like the last century.

Sure wish my mommy was here to make me tapioca pudding.

A Father's love

This is one of the most beautiful videos I've seen. A picture of how God carries us in love.



"Dick and Rick Hoyt are a father-and-son team from Massachusetts who together compete just about continuously in marathon races. And if they’re not in a marathon they are in a triathlon — that daunting, almost superhuman, combination of 26.2 miles of running, 112 miles of bicycling, and 2.4 miles of swimming. Together they have climbed mountains, and once trekked 3,735 miles across America.

It’s a remarkable record of exertion — all the more so when you consider that Rick can't walk or talk. . . "

Dick the father is over 65 and Rick graduated from college in 1993. He works at a computer laboratory working on a system to develop a wheelchair controlled eye-movements, when linked-up to a computer. Story here. The Hoyt's racing history.

Luther on marriage and the parents

On February 29 I wrote about what Luther said about who was allowed to marry and what were marriage impediments. His words certainly don't have the authority of scripture, but he uses scripture in deciding questions. In another tract, probably written in 1524 he discusses the parents' role in a child's marriage.

He had pointed out that no where in Scripture is there a case where an engagement was entered into without the parents' consent, expressed or implied. He also noted that parents' didn't have the authority to forbid a child to marry, but should never force a marriage. He said that if the parents broke up two who were in love, the grief would be brief, but if they forced two who didn't love to marry, the grief would be an eternal hell and a lifetime of misery.

Luther writes that in all of Scripture "we find not a single example of two young people entering into an engagement of their own accord. Instead, it is everywhere written of the parents, "Give husbands to your daughters and wives to your sons," Jeremiah 29; and Moses says in Exodus 21, "If a father gives a wife to his son,", etc. Thus, Isaac and Jacob took wives at the behest of their parents, Genesis 24. From this the custom has spread throughout the world that weddings and the establishment of new households are celebrated publicly with festivity and rejoicing."

There are probably groups that follow this pattern today--where the parents choose or approve the mate--but I'm not familiar with them. I do hear Christians saying, "we need to have a Biblical lifestyle or world view," but I doubt they would go this far. What do churches preach and teach about marriage these days? Also, in another volume of Luther he did complain that in former times children showed more respect and obedience than today (the 1500s).

Monday Memories

Have I ever told you why my mother was a Democrat (according to my father)?

My parents were married over 65 years. My mother died in 2000 and my father in 2002. When cleaning out Dad's desk, I found a small notebook which he used to jot down phone calls, addresses, appointments and lists (he had worked in sales into his 80s). Leafing through it, I found a "memory" written on the date of their 66th wedding anniversary, 7 months after Mother's death. So I brought it home, and came across it while cleaning my desk last week. I hardly ever had letters from Dad, so I enjoy looking at his handwriting.

He wrote about how they had met the summer after high school and he changed schools to attend Mt. Morris College so they dated during the academic year 1930-31; how he had returned in the fall of 1931, but she had gone to work as a domestic for a Jewish family in Chicago (it was the Depression and she had no money to continue, but he had a football scholarship). He wrote, "I had to stay with dad and mother during the summer of 1932, but in the fall I got a job at Kable News Co. I remember getting her (my mother) a job as a housekeeper for one of the execs, which later turned into a job also at Kable News. It had to be during the winter because Roosevelt had been elected Pres. and one of his edicts got her a raise from $8.00 weekly to $10.00. Thus, she remained a Democrat the rest of her life."

View More Monday Memories Participants
My visitors and those I'll visit this week are:Ma, Viamarie, Mrs. Lifecruiser, Debbie, Gracey, Lazy Daisy, Lady Bug, Janene, Janene in Ohio, Michelle, Anna, ChelleY. Jen, Melli Becki, Paul, Friday's Child, Irish Church Lady,Cozy Reader

3032 What it costs to smoke

How do I count the ways? My heart and hopes are with my 38 year old son who has been smoking half his life. When the morning cough and the expense ($8/day--almost $3,000/year) became alarming, he made another resolve to quit. He's made some really good progress this week, and is down to 5 from 45 cigarettes a day.

My husband grew up in a home with smoking parents. His mother who was very fair and blond lost about 5 inches of height in her later years and had a lung tumor (non-operable). Smoking is much harder on women than men. She quit smoking about 5 years before her death (I think she forgot she smoked), and actually recovered some brain function. When I met my husband nearly 50 years ago, he coughed every morning but he wasn't a smoker. We think he probably coughed at least an hour or two each morning when he worked in an office where smoking was allowed. I can remember in 1967 when I was in graduate school at the University of Illinois and he drove me to class, he would cough all the way from our house to the drop off on campus--probably a 20 minute drive. When he went to work for a downtown firm in Columbus in the mid 70s in an older, poorly ventilated office, he told them he would quit if they couldn't get him away from the smokers, so they stopped letting the employees smoke in the office. Over time, smoking has been eliminated in most public places, even stadiums, but I remember when the library employees smoked behind the circulation desk--patrons didn't, but staff areas were OK. And in retail stores--the clerks were all smoking at the registers. You couldn't get away from it. It was bizarre.

I heard Rush Limbaugh complaining today about the liberal conspiracy behind the smoking initiatives in various states. Rush may be right that the backers are liberals, but I hope we can stop issue 4, which will again allow smoking in bars and restaurants, and pass issue 5 which will stop it. Apparently, Rush hasn't noticed how many people earn their living working as waitresses, bar tenders, bussers and kitchen help in restaurants. A public non-smoking law was passed in Scotland this year, and within a month, when they tested the employees of restaurants, there was a huge improvement in their lung function (reported in JAMA).

Vote NO on #4, the amendment to the Ohio Constitution, called euphemistically, "Smoke Less Ohio," which will bring smoke back to our restaurants, hotels, nursing homes, etc.

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2673 Friday Family Photo

Thirty years ago we flew to California to visit my in-laws. Because my husband's parents divorced when he was very young, we didn't know them all that well. We had a great week and particularly enjoyed getting to know my husband's brother and sister. I think this is Huntington Beach. We're visiting the sibs in September for his sister's wedding.

1051 Cold and Creepy--Planning my Funeral

When we married in 1960 we had a huge emotional and financial safety net--between us we had six parents, seven grandparents, and one great-grandmother. Not to mention our own siblings and all the siblings of our parents and grandparents. We brought to our marriage about $200, some wedding gifts I'm still using, an old Buick that stalled at every intersection, two incomplete college educations, and a lot of youthful naivete. I know we didn’t appreciate the wealth in that bank of knowledge and support--I mean, no one is smart in their early 20s, right? I remember an uncle helping me with the income tax property depreciation in 1962, and my dad explaining mutual funds to me in 1990. My mother’s wise counsel went far beyond finances to religion, marriage, parenting, gardening, cooking, sewing, reading and friendships. One of my aunts never failed to appear with a cheery hello and her bubbly personality when we visited my parents, making us feel special even in our mid-50s. Now they have all “gone to their reward,” “passed on” or are “in the arms of Jesus.” (see my poem “Dying for a Verb). I will always miss my grandmother who died when I was 43.

During the grief of losing each parent (only one was sudden and unexpected), we’d vow to pre-plan (called pre-need in the funeral business) so that cost would be covered and our children or surviving spouse wouldn’t get drawn into bad decisions at a difficult time. Now it is just us, so yesterday we met with a person (salesman? director? planner?) at a local funeral home.

After all the paper shuffling, throat clearing, chit-chat and carefully chosen words, we went back into the room with all the overpriced paper goods and the array of caskets. It was very cold and dark in there. Frankly, I don’t think I need to buy a Kincaid register book for $110, or a $50 box of thank you cards. But if you think you’ll save money by ordering your casket from somewhere else and using it for storage until you need it, think again. We discovered the casket is a very small expense, at least the style I selected, a tasteful olive tone in 20 gauge steel for $1795. Even the Monticello Oak, which was very handsome and simple and my husband’s first choice was under $3,000. The ballooning costs are in the vault (ground or mausoleum), the transportation, and opening and closing the grave.

It’s a good thing we had this little chat, because we definitely discovered we had very different tastes in funerals! (We’ve always had trouble agreeing on furniture and décor, so I suppose I’m not surprised.) It reminds me a bit of planning my daughter’s wedding in 1993. I started with a how-to-book and a dollar figure, and she took it from there. My husband’s plan came to about $13,000 and mine was under $5,000. And yes, you can pre-pay, but it is actually an insurance plan, and it only looks good if you pay at the beginning, because if you pay over 10 years, it doubles the cost and probably eats up any savings. We brought all the worksheets home, and we’ll have to hammer out a few more details, but here’s a break down of their charges (not necessarily what we chose):

Basic services and overhead $1,245
Embalming $ 595
Body prep $ 260
Facilities for viewing $ 425
Ceremony at funeral home $ 495
Memorial service at funeral home $ 325
Ceremony at another funeral home $ 495
Ceremony at any other facility $ 495
Memorial service at any other facility $ 325
Anatomical donations $ 495
Organist $ 70
National music service $ 20
Refrigeration $ 75
Cremation $ 275
Transfer of remains (30 miles) $ 175
Hearse (30 miles) $ 225
Limo (30 miles) $ 195
SUV (30 miles) $ 175
Caskets $795 to 24,000
Outer container $595 to 18,000
Burial clothing $100-$200
Forwarding remains $2,315
Receiving casket from another mortuary $ 895
Immediate burial (no ceremony) $1,720
Direct cremations (no ceremony) $1,664
Cremation containers $95 to $3,975
Package basics $2,195

On top of these costs are the cemetery costs which we’re still looking at. Per square foot, this is pricey real estate, probably Hawaiian coastline prices. I don’t think anyone will be visiting our grave site, especially if we live as long as our parents. So a little flat marble slab in the ground is sufficient, and I haven’t looked at the prices. These prices don't differ greatly from a 2002 article by Motley Fool, but you can see the price creep in just 3 years.

I used to think cemeteries that looked like set-aside prairie reserves or jogging parks were nice, but after visiting Buffalo’s Forest Lawn Cemetery last summer to see the Frank Lloyd Wright’s Blue Sky Mausoleum, I’m lusting after marble monuments and mature trees.



I’d like to write a somber but pithy concluding paragraph for this entry, and usually they come to me if I just keep typing, but somehow, nothing comes to mind.

* * *

Five things not to say at a funeral is at my other, other blog. Caution: contains theological concepts.

477 The Reunion

Books in my house have conversations with each other and me. They complain that they aren’t happy here at the condo because of the stationary shelving. They have to congregate and socialize with volumes of similar size instead of similar interests--as though our home were some sort of storage facility!

Books aren’t the only physical objects that speak to me. In the morning I take out a china cup decorated with rabbits that belonged to my Mother, and I say, “Hi, Mom, let‘s have tea.” When I need just a little coverage from the fall breezes I slip on Dad’s oversized, shabby, royal blue baseball jacket and say, “Thanks for the protection, Dad.”

Today I’ve planned a reunion for my parents’ bedroom suite from the 1950s. I’m guessing that the pieces have been separated for over 40 years. My father always suffered from painful back spasms and was a restless sleeper who rose before 5 a.m. to go out on his truck. So the earliest bedroom suite I remember is a deep reddish brown, hard rock maple set with twin beds, a dressing table with a mirror, and a five drawer tall bureau. There used to be a dressing table bench, but that seems to have disappeared.

In the 1960s I believe my parents converted to a king size bed and tried several styles, including a waterbed. The twin beds and dressing table went to the farm home of my grandparents which my mother was converting into a religious retreat center. They kept the bureau for their own use. After they gave the farm to my brother in the late 1980s, the beds and dressing table came to us in Columbus, and in a few years they migrated to our second home in Lakeside on Lake Erie.

Mother died in 2000 and Dad in 2002. Because his house was to be sold, children and grandchildren took what they could immediately after the funeral. We could just get the bureau into the back of the SUV. It came to live with us here in the condo guest room, and we brought the dressing table down from the cottage to keep it company. Today my husband and son-in-law are driving to the Lake in the remnants of Hurricane Ivan to bring the beds back to Columbus. Our double bed from the guest room and my daughter’s baby dresser (both green) will settle in at the Lake house to welcome guests there.

The room is freshly painted and matching bedspreads and sheets in moss green and pastels have been purchased. A “South Hannah Avenue” street sign will be attached to the wall. A painting of lilacs similar to those on the bush that decorated our yard on Hannah Avenue will hang in the room, and a 1950s photo of my parents will be on the dresser. Mother liked to read at night so I may put a book or two from the 50s near one of the beds. If my memory has failed here and the set originated in another house in another decade, just don’t tell me. I’m having too much fun planning this reunion.

Reasons to Celebrate a 50th Wedding Anniversary

While looking for something else, today I came across my file of letters, 1980-1990. I wrote my parents once a week, usually, and then would periodically retrieve my letters which my mother saved. It gave me a good diary in the days before blogs. I've been married 45 years, so finding this letter giving my own parents advice and reasons they should celebrate their 50th made me realize we'll be there soon. Apparently, Dad had decided early that there would be NO 50th celebration. His word was law in our family and he and I knocked heads often. I wrote this letter almost two years before the fact, so it was apparently an item of family discussion. I won--they did have a wonderful celebration in August 1984.

I apparently began this campaign in 1980

January 3, 1983

Dear Folks,

I wanted to ask you again to reconsider about having a 50th wedding anniversary reception. I really do consider it an important milestone, not only in your lives, but in the lives of your children and grandchildren. Maybe it isn't the kind of thing you normally enjoy, but it only happens once.

It is unlikely that your whole family will ever be together again (children and grandchildren) in the same location--our ages and locales are just getting too divergent. Julie, Dave, Karen, Cindy and Greg are all adults now, and by the summer of 1984 even your youngest grandchild will be a teen-ager. This would probably be the last time we would ever all be "Home" at the same time. Even that idea may not be appealing to you, but that's not a very good reason to NOT have a get together.

One of the most significant things I remember about Grandad [my father's grandfather] is that he never wanted anyone to have a family reunion, so the only time I ever saw some of my cousins on that side was at his funeral. I think it was the first time I met Sharon [cousin 3 years older than me]. The logic of his reasoning is beyond me--we did all get together, but he missed it.

You were married during the Depression, survived the war years, struggled through business ups and downs, maintained your cool with four teen-agers, redeemed the empty nest with new careers and interests, suffered the loss of your parents, siblings, grandchildren, and helped mend broken relationships. I don't want you to celebrate the fact that two handsome, smart, naive kids got married in 1934, but the fact that those two young people were able to support and love each other and the many people whose lives depended on them.

How about punch and cake at the church, and about two days when everyone tried to get to Mt. Morris at the same time--lots of pictures and memories for my children and their cousins to tell their grandchildren. And if their recall is only that they talked to their 2nd or 3rd cousin whom they never saw again, well, what's so bad about that?

The two of you have always lived around family--you probably don't even realize the sense of connectedness and security that gives you because you take it for granted. But we don't--so we have to settle for a few intense, hectic days once in awhile to have that same sense of belonging. I hope you will rethink your decision not to have a 50th wedding celebration.

Love,

August 25, 1984