625 Six Reasons to be Late to the Party

Recently an acquaintance of my husband and me asked if we could provide transportation for an event we all attend once a week. I paused a moment before I agreed, because I had noticed that she always arrives about 5 minutes late. However, she is an interesting person, and I'd been looking for opportunities to meet new people. To pick her up was only 5 minutes out of our way. I told her I would be happy to help, but noted that I would pick her up 15 minutes before the hour because we like to arrive early so that we are not rushed.

The first night wasn't too bad--she was 5 minutes late getting to the car, and I could see through her front window that she was bustling around getting ready, but I still had time to get to the event without walking in late. The second week when I pulled up in front of her house, she came out to the car and told me she had another ride. The third week the phone rang as we were putting on our coats, and she said she would be ready at 10 minutes before the hour.

My husband went ahead in the other car, and I pulled up to her house at 10 minutes before the hour. Her son ran out and held up 5 fingers saying she would be out in 5 minutes. At 3 minutes before the hour I went up to the door and knocked--but no one came. At 2 minutes before the hour I honked and then left and went to the event, arriving late with no time for preparation.

Obviously, this transportation arrangement won't work. But it has caused me to think about people who are habitually late. We all have acquaintances and friends with this habit, and if we value and enjoy their friendship, we grumble and accept the behavior that inconveniences so many people.

One dear friend was always 20 minutes late for our weekly get-together some years ago. The reasons she gave varied from traffic on Rt. 315, to a faulty alarm clock to a crazy work schedule. We changed our time by 20 minutes, but she then was that much later. She assured me that it was OK for her occasionally to be late to work because she worked harder and better than her co-workers which made up for a few missing minutes at the front of her shift.

Another friend often arrived late to our planned get-togethers and meetings, whether breakfast, lunch, professional or club. One time a whole group changed the day of the week that we met to accommodate her schedule, but her attendance was still spotty and she still arrived late.

Are they just being rude?

I don't think of tardiness as rudeness, but rather a learned behavior that could be overcome if there were good reason to change. It may be caused by the following:

1) For some, it is a control issue--particularly if it involves their spouses or children. They may not have any other control over their lives, but they can hold up a whole family or occasion just by "finishing this one last thing," or losing a favorite necklace, or needing to let the dog out. Tardy wives are usually married to overbearing, bossy husbands, and always being late is a good way to grab back some of the power he has assumed over her life. If children are holding up the whole family, they probably learned that power struggle by watching Mom or Dad.

2) Some people enjoy the extra attention they receive, even if it is negative, when they rush into a room with hair askew, scarf and gloves being whisked off, papers rustling. All eyes turn to them instead of the speaker or leader.

3) There are cultural norms at work in the perception of tardiness. My ancestors came to the United States from Germany and England in the mid-1700s, but Americans of Asian, Indian, African, or Island heritage or other areas of Europe may perceive time very differently. We once belonged to a group where arriving 60-90 minutes late was considered appropriate for some of another cultural group. My Appalachian relatives also move to a different beat. We use many of the same English verbs with time concepts that we use with money: we save time, we invest time, we spend time, etc.

4) Metabolism or health may be the trigger for sense of time. I haven't known very many high energy, thin people who are also habitually late. People with a sluggish metabolism may need the pressure of being late to make the effort to speed up and move more quickly.

5) Some people enjoy the appearance of being extremely busy--too much on their calendar, too much to do, "too many people want my time, so you are lucky to have me at all." Every snap of the briefcase and sigh of relief as they slip into place 10 or 20 minutes late build their egos.

6) But perhaps the biggest reason for being late is that tardy people enjoy the "rush" of adrenaline, that down-to-the wire frantic feeling when they can't possibly meet a deadline. It's a high that is better than a drug, and it is addictive. They find it very energizing--being on time doesn't provide that feeling. Some procrastinators need to pile everything up at the end in order to feel the energy to actually accomplish all the tasks they have left to the last minute. However, others overstep that and just fall into the sloppily-late group and will be decorating the tree or shampooing the dog when the guests arrive.

When the Prompt People and the Tardy Troopers are trying to plan something, the first thing to agree on is that the Tardies will continue to be late regardless, because their tardiness has nothing to do with time, date, schedule or location. Then, after there is an agreed upon time and date, both will agree that the Prompt will start (or drive off) without them.