2057 A New Year's Resolution for the Guys

At the coffee shop this morning I was reading a gay journalist's column in Columbus Alive, our local entertainment paper. I won't go into most of it, because I just don't care what young junior high guys see in the locker room--or think. But he did mention a New Year's resolution he made about three years ago that he has kept, and I thought it was worth passing along, with my own added suggestions.

He resolved to not make "old man noises." This he described as sighing and moaning and groaning through various physical activities. And he has kept that resolution. If his knees ache when he suddenly stands up, so what. No one needs to know, and he just bites his tongue.

My suggestion is that you guys resolve to give up your young man noises too, and you all know what those are. Women hate them, we just keep quiet. We are not impressed. It doesn't increase our affection for you. Doesn't raise the libido. Doesn't get you out of the job jar. Pretend you're in a job interview, or meeting a client, or performing on stage, and just hold it. It won't kill you. Women the world over will thank me if you keep this resolution.