What a child needs to hear

Father's Day is June 19--think about it!

"To everyone who had a great dad who was always there for you, great. And if you got a crummy one in life's father lottery, well, honor him anyway. The Bible promises you a blessing if you do. It's the only one of the Ten Commandments that comes with a promise.

Men who marry the mother of their children reverse the devastation of childhood poverty. It's worth more than a college education in family economics compared to the single mom household. On the other hand, married dads who walk out on the family, usually for another, younger version of the wife of their youth, hurt everyone involved, including his kids, friends and community." Norma Bruce, June 20, 2010

Life isn't fair

A mother and her two young adult children. Read it here. "The fact is the worst age for a human being on this planet is between 13 and 23. If we’re honest with ourselves and each other we’ll admit that those were our STUPIDEST years . . . "

Should an adopted child know the identity of his or her birth mother?

That was the title of a "forum" in the March 13, 1979 Family Circle magazine. Not much controversy about that today--the so-called "open adoption" trend has settled that for many people. Single mothers either abort or keep, depending on personal choice. So what were the points made in the bad old days of the so-called "closed" adoptions (and that's relatively new since many of these laws were put in place in the 1960s, replacing less formal agreements).

Ralph Maxfield, adult adoptee and adoptive parent: "I say absolutely not. Not all reunions follow the scripts for audience-pleasing TV specials. Many end in real-life pain and agony, as I well know. (Favored a medical and genetic information data bank to assist adoptees).

Betty Jean Lifton, journalist, authored "Twice Born; memoirs of an adopted daughter.": "We have the right to know who our birth parents are. To know your origins is a basic human need. Those who belittle this need usually know who their mothers and fathers are. They lack the empathy to understand what it's like to grow up surrounded by secrets, in ignorance of the genetic and social forces that brought you into existence."

Richard Zelinger, Children's Bureau of New Orleans: "An adoptee shouldn't know the identity of the birth parents unless there's a compelling necessity such as a serious medical problem. . . . it could destroy the adoption system. Adoptive parents would become mere custodians or at best foster parents."

Dr. Thomas Harris, author "I'm OK, you're OK.": I lean towards not telling adoptees. . . the seeking discourages them from dealing with their real problems. Many adoptees feel that knowing . . . will solve problems of personal identity and self-esteem."

Dr. William F. Reynolds, professor of psychology, author "The American Father.": "Adopted children have as much interest in their roots as other children. The inability to get accurate answers about his or her origins adds to a dangerous and unhealthy mystery that increases the child's rage and anxiety about having been given up in the first place. It's easier and healthier to deal with the truth than with phantoms. He's not seeking another mother, but his own identify."

My own view is closest to Dr. Reynolds. Except, why call people over 18 "children?" These are adults! Who cares what the reason is--medical or curiosity or genealogical hobby? No one asks me when I write for my birth certificate. Why is there one tiny subset of Americans who are denied the right to have their real birth certificate? Why should the state legislators and social workers of the early 60s still be allowed to control the lives of people 35-50 years old based on whatever pressure groups or academic theories were popular then? I think the Ohio law was passed in 1963 or 1964.

The next bailout

says Sue Shellenbarger in today's WSJ is your adult children. Sorry Sue. Hate to break the bad news, but Americans have already done that. Boomers were bailed by their parents, and the boom-lets and boom-lights even more so by their boomer parents. No one in America is allowed to have a living standard less wonderful than their parents' it seems. That was a constant riff in the "this economy" theme we've heard the past seven years, and probably before that, because Democrats didn't invent that, I think Republicans did.

My husband's parents (who were younger than mine) didn't help us much--all their disposable income that wasn't needed for the basics like housing, food, clothing went for alcohol, cigarettes and nice vacations. My husband during one stint in college lived with the parents of his best friend, not his own parents. This dear woman even fed him and bought him a winter coat. But my parents certainly chipped in. A lot. It was sort of a family tradition. My great-grandfather had helped my maternal grandmother, and on the other side, my great-grandmother had helped Dad buy his first home. Dad provided for my college education, of course, at least until I was married, then it became a loan to be paid back (and I did). He gave us $1,000 for our first home (a duplex) which didn't have to be paid back, and then took a second mortgage for us on his own savings account (that was paid back). He also sold us my mother's car, which we made payments on. But still, for the 1960s when we had no credit of our own, that was a big help. The irony is we actually inherited more from my in-laws, who'd never given us a dime, than my own parents who had so carefully managed their own resources. That really doesn't matter, since we're grateful to both families not only for their love, but their limited resources the government didn't tax away, so that I could retire at 60 instead of 65.

For our daughter, things were fairly straight forward--we had purchased stock for her (Wendy's) that had recovered from the bust in the 80s and reinvested the dividends (and hid it from her in her late teen years). We'd also taken out a life insurance policy after she left home and it had some value when she cashed it in. The money we had "sheltered" for her when she was very young designated for college was long gone by the time she wanted to buy a house, because we'd made the mistake of using her SS# which meant at 18 she had control, not us. That money went to buy a car to replace the one wrecked by a drunk driver who hit her while she was waiting at a stop light.

For our son we had to be a bit more creative to be "fair," and we won't know for years if we helped or hurt him. His stock tanked and was worthless, and we couldn't get insurance for him. His childhood college account also went for other things that young adulthood required and he had access by then. So after his divorce we purchased a home for him, a wonderful place where he could garden and run his big dog. We used our assets to qualify for a low interest ARM, and he made all the payments. He now owns it (with the bank) and we gave him the equity that he had built up by faithfully paying the mortgage and paying all the expenses for four years.

Of course, we hadn't counted on the government so badly managing the mortgage market with the same good intentions we had that it would bring down the economy. We knew some of the places we looked at with him in 2004 had bizarre financing options (NINJA), but although tempted, we took the "conservative" route, and took on the debt ourselves after years of having no debt at all except for a few months of a "bridge loan" when we bought our condo. We did far more than our parents had done for us, but still within the family tradition of the 19th and 20th centuries being the financial safety net for adult children. However, we live in a two-income household society, and try as I might to interfere, he hasn't found a wife to help with the cost of living and a mortgage. So being a brand new home owner in a neighborhood where many foreclosure signs are popping up may be tough if the credit market tumbles even further and affects his job.

But just like the social engineers in Washington, we believed home ownership was right and "a right" for all Americans, especially our children. It may take years to straighten all this out, and there could be more bailing in our immediate future.

What have you bought on e-Bay?

When I first heard about e-Bay it was from a friend who actually became addicted to it. It's changed a lot from those early days when it was primarily just ordinary folk hawking wares. Now some businesses have closed their bricks and mortar stores and sell only this way. Anyway, my son bought his car on e-Bay, I think he bought it from someone in Atlanta, and then turned around and sold his truck to someone who flew from Salt Lake to Columbus to pick it up. All this seems very strange to me, but some people think having 8 blogs is strange. Imagine!

BMW
e-Bay auto