3447 My very own 12-step program

My girlfriend AZ and I get together on Monday mornings for coffee and she is cleaning out her storage area, returning letters and things, pitching other stuff. We became friends in the late 70s, so she found some of my writings which she returned to me today.

It seems I wrote a 12-step program for myself [I have no memory of this] when I was in the midst of the terrible-teen years. I can't be sure this wasn't copied from someone else. Even in those days I was pretty good about adding a citation to the original. So here it is--with some reordering of priorities and eliminating some wordiness for this viewing.

If you're not familiar with the twelve steps concept it revolves around not trying to change other people or blame them for your situation and releasing it to God (or a higher power if you and God are not on speaking terms). I've always said that raising teens is what led me slowly out of the Democratic Party, and although it was probably 15 years down the road from writing this, I see the roots.

1) The only person I can be responsible for is me. I will think, feel, and act in ways that make me and the people around me feel good.

2) I will give up my image of the perfect parent who always knows the right thing to do, who always fixes up or cleans up after everyone.

3) I can't keep my children out of trouble or from being hurt. I release them to God's care.

4) My children have many needs and emotions. I will respect these needs and emotions.

5) I also have my own needs and emotions, and I expect my children to respect them, too.

6) I will do my part to be a responsible parent.

7) I also expect my children to do their part as members of this household and family.

8) I will not be negative or punishing, knowing that everyone likes praise, approval and acceptance, and I will praise any effort they make to be caring, responsible adults.

9) I will be reasonable in my expectations of my children, but I also accept my right and responsibility to set limits on behavior in my home and in my presence.

10) I will not expect perfection of myself or my children and I will be honest about my imperfections and seek only to change myself.

11) I will resist rescuing my children when they get into trouble of their own making. Because I realize that taking responsibility for another person's problems does not help but weakens the person, I will allow my children to experience the natural consequences of their own judgement or behavior.

12) I will resist allowing my children to be dependent on me. When I allow this I encourage resentment from them and self pity and bitterness from myself because we can't meet each other's expectations.

Looking back I'd say it's not particularly useful to even write down expectations for the way others will treat you. That's obviously an area over which you have no control. Nor would I today say I'm going to act a certain way so others will feel good. That's also something over which I had no control. I can't even imagine my mother writing something like this (my dad, maybe). This list has a very strong "yes, but" flavor, don't you think? It's pretty clear when I wrote this I was grabbing back anything I handed over to God. And notice how I listed what behavior would receive praise? I was really into responsibility, wasn't I? The teen years aren't easy--I wasn't very loveable and neither were they, but I'm happy to report that along about age 25 your kids will return to being the fabulous people you envisioned when they were little. May you live through it and thrive for another day!