Aunt Leta and Uncle Ben

I can't recall when I signed up for Family Search, the huge Mormon data base of genealogy, but every now and then I get an interesting e-mail alerting me that there's new information in my family tree. Lask week it was the marriage certificate of my Aunt Leta and Uncle Ben. She was my grandmother's sister, and he was my grandfather's cousin. She lived in Illinois and he lived in Tennessee, but for some reason (I never heard a family story about it) they were married in Henerson Kentucky.  In my memory, they were always "old," but I was surprised to see they didn't get married until 1940, Ben was 46 and Leta was 34. Leta's baby sister, Ada, who would have been about 26, was one of the witnesses. They had no children, but Ben had a son Gene from a first marriage who was mentally challenged. Gene died in 1999 having lived many years in a care facility, and by then there was almost no one to look after the final arrangements and burial. Except my dad who was in his 80s. He made the arrangements and went to the cemetery with a few other distant cousins in the cold and snow to pay respects, because that's what families do. I think he got pneumonia. You just never know what old memories will show up in your e-mail.

Virginia isn't for lovers this week

I see Associated Press is reporting that the GOP has politicized school board races. HA! During the lockdown, the parents found out how education has become very lopsided, kids are being force fed race based learning in all fields at the expense of real math, science, English and social studies, and merit and achievement are no longer valued. So maybe it's too late to fight fire with fire, but the awake are now fighting the woke.

I heard two views on the Virginia election which has become about education. 1) It will first appear that Youngkin wins, then in the middle of the night, votes for McAuliffe will pour in because Covid-era election rules are still in play. 2) The Democrats won't try that trick again, willing to sacrifice one governor because it will look too suspicious. But it will be tried again.

Did you see that FEMA is providing funeral assistance for families of those who died of the virus? But only those who died early in the pandemic--during the Trump administration. More people have died of the virus under Biden who had a 12 month head start on figuring out what to do and has a cozy relationship with China which started this mess. The policy was amended in late June 2021.
Shhhh.

January was more social than usual

December is always a fun month with lots of special activities like concerts, dinners and get togethers. So in noting our January schedule, I see it was more social than usual, mostly church activities, but a nice members' opening at the Museum of Art, too. I'll jot down what I remember while listening to a Dvorak Cello Concerto on a Spectrum channel--no commercials.

January 6--We hosted our SALT group here on Epiphany after church--I served turkey Tetrazzini  fruit cups and assorted Christmas desserts, so I was able to use up both our Thanksgiving and Christmas left-overs.  We're studying Hebrews, and Bob was the leader.

January 7--Book club at Bethel Presbyterian Church,  "The Other Alcott," by Elise Hooper, and although I didn't care much for the selection, it's always a great discussion and this included a lot of art. I joined 18 years ago when I first retired in 2000.  Originally, the club was a group of young mothers from the Clintonville area of Columbus who attended the same church.  Now they are no longer working or taking care of kids (most are grandmothers) and we meet during the day instead of the evening.

January 9--Coffee with Adrienne, who is now living at Wesley Glen.  Weather problems have been interfering with our coffee time!

January 10--Bible study class at 10:30 for mostly retirees and seniors led by Pastor Jeff Morlock. We're doing Revelation which works well with the Saturday group study of Genesis--lots of references to Genesis. That was followed by lunch and a wonderful talk by John Kohan of Delaware, Ohio, discussing his sacred art collection   http://sacredartpilgrim.com/

January 12--In January I "returned" to three different Bible studies (Thursday, Saturday and Sunday) at our church that I've attended at various times over the years. It's easy to spend time inside and not see many people, so I'm making a greater effort to get out.  Women of the Word on Saturday is led by Mary Jo and is using Jen Wilken, "God of Creation, a study of Genesis."  She's an excellent speaker (video plus workbook).

January 13--Also returned to Adult Sunday School taught by Charlie, who is very good--well prepared, great prayers, kind, and keeps us on track.  We're studying Acts.

January 17--Dinner at Windward Passage on Henderson Rd.  with Joan and Jerry and Joyce and Bill.  Joan, Joyce and I are making plans for the 2009 reunion of our Steps of Paul voyage, and we don't have a list, but are contacting everyone we remember.  It will be at our MR campus on March 3.  After dinner we came back here for chocolate pie.

January 22--We attended the Columbus AIA meeting downtown to learn about the building and recent renovation of the LeVeque Tower here in Columbus.  I used to work there in the 1980s for the Ohio Department of Aging. It's now a boutique hotel, apartments and condos with businesses on the first level.  Our Conestoga group will tour it in March. I'm looking forward to that now that we've heard how it was done.  Figuring out where to park and getting back to the parking garage in the dark was an adventure in itself.

January 23--Coffee with Adrienne at Panera's. We had to cancel the next one due to the cold (polar vortex)

January 25--Met with Steve DeWeese, our lawyer, to settle wills, power of health attorney and health directives. He's a member of our church, a few years older than our children, and he knows them.

January 25--Bobby Burns party at the Hahm's--always a great event. This birthday is celebrated all over the world.  There are instructions on the internet on how to do it, and what to serve. We wore our kilts--Bob got his as Christmas 2017 gifts from the family for his 2018 80th birthday. His was horribly expensive because it included a formal jacket, special socks, a knife, and a sporran. Mine was really cheap--$3.00 at Volunteers of America.  I had to set the buttons over, but it's probably the nicest wool I've ever owned. Having dinner parties is like a ministry for the Hahms and they have many each year, always with an interesting mix of people.

January 26--Funeral at UALC for Jon Brewer, a friend of Phil's from childhood, and he came with many of his high school friends, most of whom I wouldn't have recognized, but did remember some of the names.

January 26--SALT group at the Crosses.  We got there a little late because of the 2 p.m.  funeral, but it lasted a long time--we didn't get home until about 6:30. Carol led the study on Hebrews and it was excellent.

January 27--Chili-cook off at St. James Lutheran off of Trabue Rd on the west side--preceded by a combined choir concert of St. James and UALC Lytham Rd. choirs.  Beautiful old sanctuary, 19th century, with a recent (about 10 years ago) educational and social wing.  I can remember when it was the only building out there. Now it's surrounded by housing and shopping centers. We went with Howard and Betty from our SALT group.

January 28--Coffee with Nancy at 5 points Panera. They left Friday for their Florida break.

January 29--Got a new perm from Melissa at Shear Impressions.  I think I've been with her since the mid-1990s.  She and her mom used to go to UALC but are now at a downtown church.

January 31--Member preview party at the Columbus Museum of Art, Derby Court, light hors d'oeuvres, lecture by Peter Schoon, Director of the Dordrecht Museum, Netherlands. "Life in the Age of Rembrandt: Dutch Masterpieces from the Dordrecht Museum." It's a wonderful show and I'd recommend it.  That was our second night in the dark in downtown Columbus in January.  And it was very cold both nights.  I did see a few women other than me in a dress/skirt, however, the others all had knee high boots or leggings.

Everything changed after 1995--Monday Memories

The pre-Christmas holiday in 1995 was wonderful at my sister-in-law Jean's home in Indianapolis.  Even Bob's brother Jimmy DeMott was there with his girlfriend, Nancy, and his children.  My mother-in-law June was doing well considering that the year before she had almost died of a bleeding ulcer and her husband had died in October.  We were, of course, sad at the loss of my father-in-law Jim DeMott that holiday and we had been making weekly trips that fall to Indianapolis to be with Bob's mother. But it was good to have everyone, including lively little Caleb and Jake, together.

Yet, after that holiday season, with the warm "Christmas card" memories, everything seemed to change. It was one funeral and life change after the other, like someone wound up a toy too tight and it spun out of control.

In less than two months, my sister Carol Yoder died of a diabetic stroke and most of my family made the trip to Sarasota to say good bye and then to Mt. Morris for burial.  We helped my parents move from their home of 38 years a few blocks away into a retirement apartment at Pinecrest in Mt. Morris.  Bob's Aunt Babe died in May 1996 and my Aunt Marian died in September of 1996.  Then I was hospitalized and diagnosed with a heart problem.  Sam Calabretta, the architect who brought us to Columbus in 1967 and changed our lives, died in January 1997.  My mother had surgery for colon cancer in June and I hurried back to Illinois.  My boss at the OSU Libraries, Jay Ladd, died that summer.  Our daughter had surgery for thyroid cancer in February 1997.  My mother-in-law June moved into assisted care, then a nursing home, and died in September 1998.  My Uncle John Dickson died in January 1999, and Bob's dear Aunt Roberta DeAngelis, his father's older sister, died in July 1999.  Our son Phil got married in February 1999 and my sister came back to Illinois to marry in August 1999 as my parents also celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary.  My Uncle Leslie, Mom's brother, died that November.  Orville Ballard, Dad's dear friend and also his uncle and best man in his wedding, died in January 2000.  It just a few weeks and then my mother died on January 24, 2000.  Aunt Esther Corbett, whose nick-name was PeeWee, died a few weeks later in California.  In February 2000 divorce stole a beloved nephew of 16 years from the family. Then we returned to Mt. Morris to help Dad move again after he bought my grandparents' former home, a Lustron, in April 2000.  It was there we celebrated our 40th anniversary in September 2000 as I retired from my library career at Ohio State University.  In January 2002 we moved from our home of 34 years on Abington Road into a condo, same community, but a few miles north.  Then I had a heart ablation to correct the problem diagnosed in 1996 while we were unpacking.  In April we moved Dad to a care facility in Franklin Grove, IL because his congestive heart failure diagnosed in June 2000 worsened, and he died May 18, 2002. In 2003 we traveled to California to celebrate with the Bruce relatives and siblings Dad Bruce's 90th birthday, and he died in April 2005.

In ten short years we had become the older generation of our extended families.

The day we moved Dad into the Lustron

I thought he'd have a better excuse

After Obama's Scalia no show, I'm not surprised, but this guy really has no class.

Yes, more people die in January

If it feels like you’ve been attending too many funerals lately, you’re right.  It’s true, more people die in January than  other months, and more in winter than other seasons. My mother died in January, as did both her parents; her sister died in February and her brother in December. Checking my genealogy data, my father’s family for the most part died in spring and summer months.   It is not climate, and it’s not suicide (that’s a myth).  Legacy.com has some good information. http://blog.legacy.com/2011/06/23/yes-it%E2%80%99s-true-more-people-die-in-january/

Eulogizing Robert Byrd--is that a white sheet over that casket?

Hearing Barack Obama and Bill Clinton lauding a former official of the Ku Klux Klan was certainly bizarre. They didn't just eulogize him, they noted with some puffery and pride found only among Democrats that he had rejected that nastiness in his past. God knows, I'm all for redemption, and so thankful that God doesn't grade on a curve, but did Byrd really change all that much? Was his (or any liberal's) objection to Justice Thomas and Secretary Rice really about their qualifications and not their race? There's a lot to overlook in this good old boy

"In a March 2005 fundraising appeal to the radical group MoveOn.org, Obama said, “Senator Robert Byrd was one of the first senators I met with when I came to the Senate three months ago. Senator Byrd understands the history, the importance, and the role the Senate plays in our government...”

Reeling off a long list of charges against the Bush Administration and Senate Republicans, all of which were either untrue or totally misleading, Obama concluded by saying, “Above all, Robert Byrd understands just how sacred the Constitution of our country truly is and fights every day to protect it.”

This is the same Robert Byrd who wrote in a 1944 letter to a Mississippi senator, “I shall never fight in the armed forces with a Negro by my side.”

This is the same Robert Byrd who wrote in a 1945 letter to that same Mississippi senator, “Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt, never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels, a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds.”

This is the same Robert Byrd who wrote in a 1948 letter to the Grand Wizard of the West Virginia Klan, at a time when Klan membership was in steep decline, “The Klan is needed today as never before and I am anxious to see its rebirth here in West Virginia and in every state in the Union.”

This is the same Robert Byrd who holds the distinction of being the only man to use the “n-word” on the floor of the U.S. Senate during the last half century, or more.

Obama’s fundraising appeal for his KKK colleague was a successful one. Within 48 hours, nearly $823,000 poured into the Byrd campaign coffers. And when Obama traveled to West Virginia to campaign for Byrd, the Charleston Daily Mail opined, “If the African-American trailblazer has any qualms about endorsing the man who filibustered the 1964 Civil Rights Act and who disdainfully referred to blacks as ‘the darkest specimens of the wilds,’ he’s keeping them to himself.” Paul Hollrah

Funny moment during a sad event

My husband and I were drafted into ushering at a funeral the other night at our church. The congregation was going to be asked to sing (some rather unsingable tunes as it turned out), so the pastor asked us to suggest that people sit near the front, close to the family members. My husband speaks softly, and to be kind, sometimes I can't understand him. He said to one couple, 70-ish, "We're requesting that you sit near the front." "What'd he say?" the husband whispered to the wife, and she responded, "He said crazy people should sit near the front." I overheard this and saw her rolling her eyes, so I darted up the aisle and repeated the correct instructions.

1051 Cold and Creepy--Planning my Funeral

When we married in 1960 we had a huge emotional and financial safety net--between us we had six parents, seven grandparents, and one great-grandmother. Not to mention our own siblings and all the siblings of our parents and grandparents. We brought to our marriage about $200, some wedding gifts I'm still using, an old Buick that stalled at every intersection, two incomplete college educations, and a lot of youthful naivete. I know we didn’t appreciate the wealth in that bank of knowledge and support--I mean, no one is smart in their early 20s, right? I remember an uncle helping me with the income tax property depreciation in 1962, and my dad explaining mutual funds to me in 1990. My mother’s wise counsel went far beyond finances to religion, marriage, parenting, gardening, cooking, sewing, reading and friendships. One of my aunts never failed to appear with a cheery hello and her bubbly personality when we visited my parents, making us feel special even in our mid-50s. Now they have all “gone to their reward,” “passed on” or are “in the arms of Jesus.” (see my poem “Dying for a Verb). I will always miss my grandmother who died when I was 43.

During the grief of losing each parent (only one was sudden and unexpected), we’d vow to pre-plan (called pre-need in the funeral business) so that cost would be covered and our children or surviving spouse wouldn’t get drawn into bad decisions at a difficult time. Now it is just us, so yesterday we met with a person (salesman? director? planner?) at a local funeral home.

After all the paper shuffling, throat clearing, chit-chat and carefully chosen words, we went back into the room with all the overpriced paper goods and the array of caskets. It was very cold and dark in there. Frankly, I don’t think I need to buy a Kincaid register book for $110, or a $50 box of thank you cards. But if you think you’ll save money by ordering your casket from somewhere else and using it for storage until you need it, think again. We discovered the casket is a very small expense, at least the style I selected, a tasteful olive tone in 20 gauge steel for $1795. Even the Monticello Oak, which was very handsome and simple and my husband’s first choice was under $3,000. The ballooning costs are in the vault (ground or mausoleum), the transportation, and opening and closing the grave.

It’s a good thing we had this little chat, because we definitely discovered we had very different tastes in funerals! (We’ve always had trouble agreeing on furniture and décor, so I suppose I’m not surprised.) It reminds me a bit of planning my daughter’s wedding in 1993. I started with a how-to-book and a dollar figure, and she took it from there. My husband’s plan came to about $13,000 and mine was under $5,000. And yes, you can pre-pay, but it is actually an insurance plan, and it only looks good if you pay at the beginning, because if you pay over 10 years, it doubles the cost and probably eats up any savings. We brought all the worksheets home, and we’ll have to hammer out a few more details, but here’s a break down of their charges (not necessarily what we chose):

Basic services and overhead $1,245
Embalming $ 595
Body prep $ 260
Facilities for viewing $ 425
Ceremony at funeral home $ 495
Memorial service at funeral home $ 325
Ceremony at another funeral home $ 495
Ceremony at any other facility $ 495
Memorial service at any other facility $ 325
Anatomical donations $ 495
Organist $ 70
National music service $ 20
Refrigeration $ 75
Cremation $ 275
Transfer of remains (30 miles) $ 175
Hearse (30 miles) $ 225
Limo (30 miles) $ 195
SUV (30 miles) $ 175
Caskets $795 to 24,000
Outer container $595 to 18,000
Burial clothing $100-$200
Forwarding remains $2,315
Receiving casket from another mortuary $ 895
Immediate burial (no ceremony) $1,720
Direct cremations (no ceremony) $1,664
Cremation containers $95 to $3,975
Package basics $2,195

On top of these costs are the cemetery costs which we’re still looking at. Per square foot, this is pricey real estate, probably Hawaiian coastline prices. I don’t think anyone will be visiting our grave site, especially if we live as long as our parents. So a little flat marble slab in the ground is sufficient, and I haven’t looked at the prices. These prices don't differ greatly from a 2002 article by Motley Fool, but you can see the price creep in just 3 years.

I used to think cemeteries that looked like set-aside prairie reserves or jogging parks were nice, but after visiting Buffalo’s Forest Lawn Cemetery last summer to see the Frank Lloyd Wright’s Blue Sky Mausoleum, I’m lusting after marble monuments and mature trees.



I’d like to write a somber but pithy concluding paragraph for this entry, and usually they come to me if I just keep typing, but somehow, nothing comes to mind.

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Five things not to say at a funeral is at my other, other blog. Caution: contains theological concepts.