2972 On parenting
Are you a good parent? I noticed this at The Corner--can't vouch for the statistics--don't know the author:
"Your life outcomes are determined 45-50 percent by genetics, 45-50 percent by outside-the-home socialization (which is affected by parental decisions about housing, schooling, etc.), 0-10 percent by in-home socialization (=parenting). That's what the evidence tells us, as I read it. Parenting has been WAY over-sold. And Freudianism (in-home socialization determines 100 percent of life outcome) is dog poop."
The Corner, July 26, 2006I agree--although I'd put genetics (personality, intelligence, physical attributes, talents) a bit higher, and parenting (values, discipline, religion) I'd put at about 1-2%. You've pretty much got the game plan when the baby pops out of the womb. If your daughter is 5'8" and a size 10, she just will never work for Abercrombie & Fitch no matter what you do. You can chose a good school, or have a good health plan to help things along, but the kid will grow up to be the one God gave you at the beginning. If you're a parent, it would be smart (and gracious) to not take the credit and never take the blame.
Parenting comes at you in stages. What works at 2 definitely doesn't fly at 12. I was a fabulous parent for the early years--not so great for teens. The kids are 38 and 39 (or is that 39 and 40?); just ask 'em. Had the proverbial eyes in the back of my head, I did. Although most of the time they were growing up, my hair was too long to peek through. Now, we socialize occasionally and help each other out--my husband's helping our son paint his house and our daughter has been taking care of our cat during all our travels lately. I do try to mind my own business, and only nag occasionally--usually about health--but it's tough considering I was very over protective. Afterall, I want them to take care of me in my old age!
As children they never missed church; never even asked. As adults they attend on Christmas Eve. I think my husband and I said prayers with them every night practically until they left home--or at least until they were bigger than we were. As the saying goes, God has no grandchildren. My husband still prays for them every day!
I was room mother, choir mother, Campfire leader, and VBS teacher. I took them to art shows and libraries. Heck, I taught them to read before kindergarten, and supervised all the homework. I used to storm into the school and demand that the teacher keep my kid after school until the work was completed! (They were sooo happy to have my kids graduate!) I gave up all sorts of perks I probably didn't need and ate macaroni at the end of the month just so we could live in the best school district in Columbus. I made sure they always had holidays with the relatives so they knew what an extended family was (we have no relatives here).
I taught them to cook, clean and sew (don't bother with the sewing--Wal-Mart is cheaper). We took them to restaurants for family time, but also they learned how to behave in public. They ate better than most of their peers and we always ate meals as a family, so they learned good table manners. Fast food or pop? They didn't get it in our home. I remember the shocked look when they were adults and found pop in our refrigerator and learned we occasionally went to McDonald's.
They took piano lessons and one even had 2 clarinet lessons! Our daughter took voice lessons for awhile. I hired a really neat guy to teach my son to play the guitar by ear; and 25 years later he still plays and once had long stringy hair and played in bars with other guys who thought they'd be famous some day.
My kids were in every imaginable sport activity when they were young, and one is a natural athlete. But I was on the job and didn't let them join up until at least 3rd or 4th grade because I thought I was smarter than the other mommies and that kids needed time to be kids. Of course, that meant no one else was around to play with--so you're fighting a losing battle there. Swimming, tennis, and ice skating lessons. Neither one of us plays golf, but we talked a golfer friend into teaching our son a few basics as a teen, and I think he still goes to the course and throws his back out from time to time.
I said "No," a lot. Much more than was necessary. "No, 6 weeks in France in 5th grade will not benefit your education." "No, you can't go to Florida on Spring break with your friends." "No, you can't leave the house until you write Grandma a thank-you note." "No, that outfit is too expensive." "No, you're not leaving the house looking like that." Playing with matches with friends? I called the fire chief and arranged a little chat while the other mommies said their little sweeties would never do such a thing.
We laughed and played a lot--went on picnics down by the river, bike rides around the neighborhood, put on records and danced, played dress ups and made forts, had overnights with friends, family camp, birthday parties, made a zillion crafts at the kitchen table, dressed the cat in doll clothes, went to Tullers for fresh cider and donuts on Saturday mornings, ice skating, movies--the same kind of stuff I did when I was young. In fact, except for the TV and the community sports, I was surprised by how similar the activities were.
Oh sure, I made mistakes. They could probably tell more than I know about. The teen years I would never want to do over. But if I could have a "do over," I'd never sign a permit for my teen-ager to work. This wasn't the 50s or 60s; it was the 80s. Fast food and retail jobs don't build character, work ethic, or good values, etc., it just puts them under the influence of 22 year old assistant managers, and in close association with school drop outs and kids you'd never let through your front door. Let's see, what else. I'd never put a child in a special class unless the regular work was totally out of reach--and even then I'd tighten the belt and go for tutoring. If the school says your daughter doesn't pronouce a consonant correctly, just lisp at the teacher and tell her that's how it's done in your family. No one wants to be your pet project--children don't like to feel like they need to be fixed, and they hate being different.
Another mistake I admit to--I'd never let a minor living under my roof own an automobile, not even with their own money. Because of insurance laws, you actually have this decision in your hands. A 17 year old that can afford a car, probably can't afford the insurance. You might think it will help transportation problems, but trust me, mommies and daddies, you want to keep them driving 4 door sedans as long as possible. Some things need to be done or not done just to help the parents!
But we hope it all pays off. Parents try to raise up adults, not children. They grow up, come home to visit, invite us for dinner, visit when we're sick, call just to chat and make us proud. The Bible says, "Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it." Scripture is a bit vague about just when "Old" takes place, however.
parenting,
children,
family,
Education,
children's sports
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