2448 The Whistle Stop Pot Luck

This story is fiction; absolutely fabricated. It's wishful thinking; a fantasy. But it might just work in real life. An original story by Norma Bruce.

As I moved the dust around and spiffed up the bathrooms and mirrors in preparation for our dinner guests, my husband looked at the list of errands I'd left on the counter.

"What's this item for the party supply store?"

"Whistles."

"Why do we need whistles for a dinner party?" he asked.

"Because of our age."

"Our age? What's that got to do with anything?" he said.

"Everyone will receive a small whistle on a loop of ribbon to wear around their neck. When anyone starts to talk about the three forbidden topics, the listener blasts on the whistle to put a stop to it."

"What three topics?"

"Age. Health. Weight. Any sentence or phrase or story that mentions your age or health problems or weight."

"I don't tell people my age," he said.

"Maybe not in so many words, but these are the tips to blowing the whistle on age topics.

"At my age. . ., "

"It must be my age, but. . ., "

"I must be getting old, because. . ."

Then there are subcategories. You also can't tell any story that your spouse has heard 3 times in the past year, because that just screams you're losing it."

His face turned grey. "You mean I can't tell anyone about my wonderful grandfather or your terrific mother?"

"Exactly. We've lived here for almost 40 years. There isn't a person in central Ohio who hasn't heard about Biggie or Olive. So if I hear you starting on those dear people, I'll put the whistle to my lips."

"And no operations? Not even my rotator cuff? No emergency room visits?" he whined.

"Nope. You'll get a tweet, or will have to blast the others if they start in on an organ concert," I said.

"Well," he said, "I do OK on weight, don't I? I'm not overweight and I teach an exercise class."

"Yes, but your weight encourages others to talk about theirs, so if you hear, 'How do you stay in such good shape,' you'll just have to blast 'em. Don't even think of it as a compliment--it's a lead in for them to tell you about their sluggish metabolism, their beer belly, bad knees or when they gave up smoking."

"But honey," he said quietly, "what's left to talk about if we blow the whistle on weight, age and health."

"There's always religion and politics. These days, I think I'd prefer that to calories, class reunions and colonoscopies. Then there is literature, music, theater, movies, concerts, decorating, global warming, the war, business, China, garage sales, fashion, gardening, IPOs, energy prices, sailing, technology, travel, art, and volunteer activities to name just a few. If you're absolutely desperate, I suppose you could talk about sports or grandchildren--but I'd keep those low on the list since they tend to be gender specific."

"It might work," he sighed. "Maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks."

"TWEET!"