- "While moving in with your significant other may seem like the perfect solution to help stall the big walk down the aisle, it isn’t. In fact, it will eventually have the opposite effect on your relationship, and more than likely you’ll end up old, alone and unhappy. Your beauty will have faded, and the fellow singles in your now middle-aged category will be seeking younger, more nimble models. You’ll wish you could have done something to save your marriage. . .
I do believe that couples who move in together before marriage can find ways to make it work, but the odds are against them. I was raised in the nuclear insulation of a Christian home. I have since come to form my own beliefs and do not believe my upbringing influences this decision. What does influence my opinion is not only the dream of sharing my first home with my loved one after marriage, but also objective proof all around me. It is easy to spot the unhappy couple stuck in a marriage because of children or for financial reasons. I can only hope that my future marriage will not mirror that of others and that I will indeed have the fairy tale ever after I have dreamt of. . .
Waiting to discover your predominant annoyances about one another in the home setting is best left until after marriage. A study published in the February issue of the Journal of Family Psychology reported that 70 percent of couples live together before marriage. In the same study, couples living together pre-marriage reported not only a lower quality of marriage but a higher divorce rate. These statistics don’t lie.
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There ARE Advantages of Cohabitation
While marriage is touted as THE only way to truly have a successful, committed relationship, there are many distinct advantages to cohabitation that are often overlooked, a few of which are as follows:
1) Time-bound
One BIG advantage of cohabitation is that it is NOT until death do you part. Instead, it’s more likely bound by the one-year lease you have on your apartment or some other form of limitation set up in your calendar. It can be beneficial to talk upfront about the relationship’s “life-span!” You should consider declaring a particular date 6 or 12 months out, and then sit down at that time to evaluate how well the relationship is going. If things have been good, perhaps you pick a longer time horizon until you do your next check up. If things have not gone well, you’ll more likely find it easier to end the relationship…. the lease is up and so is our time together.
2) Maintain Individuality
One assumption of marriage, like the unity candle ceremony demonstrates during the wedding, is that two people become one. However, suppose you’re not ready to take this bold step. Cohabitation allows you to work on building a relationship without necessarily giving up your individuality. A “separate but equal” approach can help reduce the anxiety that you might feel if you were to “lose yourself” in the relationship. No relationship gets better based on how much you give up to be in it. Living together is a low risk method to see IF you can live with someone, full-time and not diminish your individuality in the process.
3) Eliminate Illusions
It’s been said the if “love is blind” then “marriage is an institution for the blind!” It’s normal that in the early stages of a dating relationship, each partner is trying to put their best foot forward. One of the real shocks that can occur after marriage is to discover that the person you married is not who you thought. Cohabitation affords you the time for the illusions to disappear and the real person to emerge. When this happens in marriage and the image does not match the reality, it can send a shock wave through the marriage and creates a sense of being trapped in a deception. Instead, by living together, while you may be shocked by the reality of your partner’s hygiene habits, lack of anger management, passive-aggressive sniping, at least you’re not trapped… see #1 above.
4) Practice Equality
Successful relationships are about many things including creating a sense of equality. In days gone bye, it was not expected that the man and woman were equals. The man ruled and no one questioned it, despite what may have been disastrous consequences. Now, however, “power with” vs. “power over” is one key to making an intimate relationship work. During the dating phase of a relationship, it’s easy to maintain a “balance of power!” He picks a restaurant, she picks a movie and next time the roles shift. Once you move in together, you have the chance to see just how equal you are with your partner. The question of who controls the TV remote, who cleans the kitchen or who does laundry is quickly answered. The outcome is an important piece of information for you to know about your partner. If you are lucky, your partner values equality and if he or she does not, at least you learned it before walking down the aisle.
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While it has been said by many naysayers of cohabitation that you cannot “practice” commitment, I say bunk. Cohabitation has some real advantages over getting married, at least in the short term. The above are just a few.
How does cohabitation make holidays more "awkward" for a family?
My significant other and I attend each of our family's holiday parties together, have a perfectly non-awkward time and live apart. If the the addresses we live at were to be made the same it would not make the holidays any less pleasant.
If you don't understand why co-habitation makes holidays awkward, I doubt that I could explain it to you. But in my experience, it not worth getting to know the SO's because they won't be there next Christmas or Easter.
I was hoping you could, which was the primary reason I posted my comment.
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