3447 My very own 12-step program

My girlfriend AZ and I get together on Monday mornings for coffee and she is cleaning out her storage area, returning letters and things, pitching other stuff. We became friends in the late 70s, so she found some of my writings which she returned to me today.

It seems I wrote a 12-step program for myself [I have no memory of this] when I was in the midst of the terrible-teen years. I can't be sure this wasn't copied from someone else. Even in those days I was pretty good about adding a citation to the original. So here it is--with some reordering of priorities and eliminating some wordiness for this viewing.

If you're not familiar with the twelve steps concept it revolves around not trying to change other people or blame them for your situation and releasing it to God (or a higher power if you and God are not on speaking terms). I've always said that raising teens is what led me slowly out of the Democratic Party, and although it was probably 15 years down the road from writing this, I see the roots.

1) The only person I can be responsible for is me. I will think, feel, and act in ways that make me and the people around me feel good.

2) I will give up my image of the perfect parent who always knows the right thing to do, who always fixes up or cleans up after everyone.

3) I can't keep my children out of trouble or from being hurt. I release them to God's care.

4) My children have many needs and emotions. I will respect these needs and emotions.

5) I also have my own needs and emotions, and I expect my children to respect them, too.

6) I will do my part to be a responsible parent.

7) I also expect my children to do their part as members of this household and family.

8) I will not be negative or punishing, knowing that everyone likes praise, approval and acceptance, and I will praise any effort they make to be caring, responsible adults.

9) I will be reasonable in my expectations of my children, but I also accept my right and responsibility to set limits on behavior in my home and in my presence.

10) I will not expect perfection of myself or my children and I will be honest about my imperfections and seek only to change myself.

11) I will resist rescuing my children when they get into trouble of their own making. Because I realize that taking responsibility for another person's problems does not help but weakens the person, I will allow my children to experience the natural consequences of their own judgement or behavior.

12) I will resist allowing my children to be dependent on me. When I allow this I encourage resentment from them and self pity and bitterness from myself because we can't meet each other's expectations.

Looking back I'd say it's not particularly useful to even write down expectations for the way others will treat you. That's obviously an area over which you have no control. Nor would I today say I'm going to act a certain way so others will feel good. That's also something over which I had no control. I can't even imagine my mother writing something like this (my dad, maybe). This list has a very strong "yes, but" flavor, don't you think? It's pretty clear when I wrote this I was grabbing back anything I handed over to God. And notice how I listed what behavior would receive praise? I was really into responsibility, wasn't I? The teen years aren't easy--I wasn't very loveable and neither were they, but I'm happy to report that along about age 25 your kids will return to being the fabulous people you envisioned when they were little. May you live through it and thrive for another day!

War time pen pals

Our troops always need mail. I recall reading a letter saved by an elderly relative written by my great uncle, 16 years old, who had lied about his age and enlisted during the Civil War. He was so homesick and desperate for mail. He died of dysentery a few days before the war was over. Now people send e-mail, and I've sent a few myself just to let them know I appreciate them--although I'm not exactly in their age group. I think you'll enjoy this memory of pen pals during WWII by a former soldier. He probably wrote great letters--good practice for his future career as a journalist and a blogger.

You know the Bible 100%!

 

Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
Create MySpace Quizzes

Not 100%, but some of the questions are pretty easy.

HT Annoyed Librarian.

3444 Laconic t-shirts

Lots of choices, but I sort of liked this one, suitable for writers. I love a good pencil to blame.


Although I liked this one, too "Democrats: the party of premature withdrawal."

Laconic blog

3443 Virginity pledges vs. condom use in adolescents

Why do you suppose some groups, the media especially, are so opposed to teens being instructed that abstinence is a viable alternative in sex education? Never mind, just tuck that thought away for another day and move one to things we do know. Studies do show that parents are in favor of abstinence education. What got the most media attention hype was a report [Peter Bearman and Hanna Bruckner in the Journal of Adolescent Health, April 2005] that apparently showed virginity pledges made no statistically significant difference in STDs in young adulthood. Upon rechecking their methods that was found not to be the case because their methods also showed that condom use failed even more in making a difference in STDs among this sample, and they were not looking at the teen years, but 7 years after the fact. A study done in June 2005 showed the Bearman and Bruckner study had many design flaws, plus the media had ignored many of the statistically significant differences, like male pledgers had 30% lower rate of infection than non-pledgers. I only bring it up now because recently I heard this misinformation mentioned on a talk show.

Lower STD rates [25%] is just one among a broad array of positive outcomes associated with virginity pledging. Previous research has shown that, when compared to non-pledgers of similar backgrounds, individuals who have taken a virginity pledge are:

Less likely to have children out-of-wedlock;
Less likely to experience teen pregnancy;
Less likely to give birth as teens or young adults;
Less likely to have sex before age 18; and,
Less likely to engage in non-marital sex as young adults.
In addition, pledgers have far fewer life-time sexual partners than non-pledgers. There are no apparent negatives associated with virginity pledging: while pledgers are less likely to use contraception at initial intercourse, differences in contraceptive use quickly disappear. By young adult years, sexually active pledgers are as likely to use contraception as non-pledgers.

Read it here, "Adolescent Virginity Pledges, Condom Use, and Sexually Transmitted Diseases Among Young Adults" by Robert Rector and Kirk A. Johnson, Ph.D., June, 2005.

Although the groups compared did have similar backgrounds, it appeared to me that more non-pledgers were from divorced homes with higher incomes and less religious involvement than the virginity pledge youth. However, whether the differences were statistically signficant enough to satisfy social scientists, I don't know.

And as we all know from life, making a promise doesn't mean keeping a promise.

Here's a good discussion opener for you and your daughter.

technorati: virginity pledges, contraception, condoms, STDs

Poetry Thursday has moved!

Here's the new site; I'll have to change my template link. So here's this week's challenge: "Given all the changes here at Poetry Thursday, we thought change would be a good topic for this week’s (completely and totally optional) idea." That's something to think about. This might be the time to post my shoulder pads poem.

All I did was attend a different church service today (we have eleven) and was amazed at the changes I saw. Not sure there's anything in that to write about, but change is always with us, isn't it? I've mentioned it before, but "change" is one of the reasons I retired at 60 instead of 65. I was so tired of the constant changes--the reporting line, the staff, the consortia, the committees, the technology. I thought there must be more to life than learning a new software gimmicks that would be gone in 6 months, or the names of student staff who would only stay a quarter. When you're young--like 18-25 or so--the changes dribble like a soft rain and you hardly notice them. Also, you tend to gloss over them thinking it (the changes) are temporary and eventually things will settle down. Doesn't happen. As you age your mind accumulates and stores all these changes and their warranties and instruction manuals are still on your shelves; they become burdensome.

3440 A proud grandma

A girlfriend (yes, we still say "girl" at our age) showed me the photos of her new grand daughter at about one hour old. She arrived 10 days early, very shortly after her mom's shower. Gorgeous, pink, and chubby with straight black hair and eyes, she is bi-racial, her father a Nigerian and her mother an Irish American. Her skin will darken some as she gets older, but right now she's a match with mom, not dad and because of the way we view people in this country by custom, culture and government edict, she will always be counted as African-American for the census, medical studies, scholarships, school diversity programs and employment opportunities. We have such an established bureaucracy dependent on keeping our citizens divided into groups, she may never in my life time be able to just be who she is.

African Americans are now the second largest minority group in the US--Hispanics are first. Many of the U.S. black population, like my friend's son-in-law, are recent arrivals--in fact 8 percent. According to the New York Times (reported at City Journal), more African immigrants have arrived voluntarily since 1990 than the number who once came as slaves. These immigrants, too, have far higher employment and education levels than native-born blacks. Barack Obama's name is out there for President. His father, although never a citizen, was born in Africa, and married an American and Barack was raised in Hawaii. Both his parents had advanced degrees. You can't say anything about his father only seeing him twice or being a Muslim or you are declared a racist, so just go read his autobiography or read a liberal blog which will tell you the same thing, but won't be called racist. Unlike some who have called him "privileged" because of private schooling, I'd say growing up without dad to help you sort through life's problems and hurts removes you from that definition.

Meanwhile, Diddy Daddy dawdles and hasn't married his "long time girlfriend," the mother of his new twin girls (and his older son) and Diddy didn't marry the mother of his oldest son. I feel a poem coming on. . . Poor Diddy's kiddies/Diddy or did he/you be one sad dad/You be P. Diddy. The failure of some highly visible and successful celebrities to become real fathers contributes to the poverty of the women and children left with Uncle Sam by young men who imitate the bling and strut of the diddy daddies of this world.

Technorati: Sean John Combs, P. Diddy, fatherhood, African Americans

3439 Move over Well-Dressed Librarian

Look what's in Greg's closet.

3438 Using Blogger's New Features

I'm starting to get into it now. The photo load is looking different and gives me a tiny view to show it's there (code is much longer, however); I'm loving the new template save feature because it's so fast; the new labeling feature is cool, although it only labels my stuff, so if I want subject headings for my own, I'll have to go back; Cathy tells me the RSS feed for my blog now works; and it's nice to be able to see, from the index, which entries have comments. I'll probably still do technorati tags--not trying any of the others. Who knew so many people wanted to be cataloguers--

"A December 2006 survey by the Pew Internet & American Life Project has found that 28% of internet users have tagged or categorized content online such as photos, news stories or blog posts. On a typical day online, 7% of internet users say they tag or categorize online content." From DigitalKoans

My first job as a librarian was cataloging Russian books from the PL480 plan. Ah, the machine tractor station romance novels--I wonder if anyone ever read them. I still put things on the conveyor belt at the supermarket by category. Taxables. Dairy. Meat. Fresh produce.

3437 Just the write notebooks

Most of my blog entries are drafted on paper--unless you have written something on your blog that leads me to some research, or I read something in an on-line publication. (Ms. Loyal American Living in Europe [see comments] thinks I live in Iowa and don't read anything--woo, woo, is he wrong not only about me but about how well informed Iowans are!) So I have to have just the right note book and a #2 BIC pencil. I like spiral bound, hard cover, about 5 x 7, wide line. The one I'm using right now has blue paper, and I can't wait to use it up. Hard to read what I wrote. I thought I'd swoon when I saw these nice horse covers at CVS. There were only two, and a Google search indicated the company had been purchased since they were made, and I didn't see them on the web site. So I went to another CVS and found a bunch of them, plus some with a light house for only $2. I didn't really need 4 new notebooks, but with 10 blogs, you never know. One notebook lasts about 8 weeks. So I'm all set till Fall.

The Bruce Angel

I wonder if this guy stole our family angel from the Elwood Cemetery in Indiana.

HT Everton's Genealogy Blog

Technorati: cemetery statues, family history

3435 Does Charity really begin at home?

Two recent issues of Kiplinger's used this phrase to mean teaching children to be charitable, so that's what I'll address, although I always thought it meant giving close to home.

In my experience, demonstrating or teaching charity doesn't necessarily mean the lesson is understood or acted upon. I think it depends on whether the person (the grown up child of charitable parents) is active in a community of faith--a church, synagogue or mosque. Based on what I've observed in our family, a real mixed bag of church membership and attendance, and recent research, generosity and charity are tied closely to faith, not what you learned as a child.

Between us, my husband and I have six siblings, two adult children, and fourteen nieces and nephews. We had six parents (his were divorced and remarried), and I knew four of my grandparents and two great grandparents, and he knew three of his grandparents (his grandfather was widowed quite young). So that's my tiny sample which ranges from 7th to 10th generation American.

I knew my paternal great-grandparents (d. 1949 and 1963), but know little about their finances except that they lived modestly and were generous with their grandchildren. Great-grandma Leanor not only slipped candy to us, but gave my father a downpayment to buy his first house in the late-1930s. My great-grandfather (mother's side) was a very generous donor--he gave money to build the Wichita Church of the Brethren in the early 20th century, but lived in Illinois, and contibuted real estate in Chicago to the church to build a hospital. My husband's maternal grandparents and my maternal grandparents were very strong, active church members, his were Presbyterians and mine Church of the Brethren. They were also generous donors to the church and to various causes, and helped out family members, too.

My husband's parents (both couples) were wonderful people, but neither continued with the Presbyterian tradition, or any church involvement after childhood. If they ever donated to anything, it would have been something like Cancer Society, Lung Association or a buck for someone walking the neighborhood for March of Dimes. They didn't take their children to church, but my husband's grandparents took over. My parents remained active in the Church of the Brethren, and baptized and raised their children in that denomination. I don't know what went on later in their life, but when I was a young adult, I know they were giving about 15% of their income. My father scared us in his mid-80s when he decided to gather up donations and take them in his van (driving alone) to an Indian reservation in the Dakotas. My parents cancelled each others' votes at the polls, but were both very generous with church, community organizations and family members.

My husband and I have tithed our gross income for over 30 years, but we gave very little to anything when we weren't members. I think three of our six siblings are also active in churches and generously contribute--we're all there for worship weekly and participate in various ministries. Then we have two siblings who might be in a church for a baptism, funeral or wedding, but don't attend or give. They are more than generous with immediate family, however. One sib is missing in action, and we haven't seen him in years; it's my thought if he can't make it to a family dinner or answer his phone, he's probably not going to church either.

Moving on down the family tree, our own two children don't attend church and don't contribute to a church, and probably donate very little to any community organization. Of our 14 nieces and nephews I think 4 are active members in a church, and although I've never asked, I'm guessing they all are more generous than the ones who don't have a church home. Two of them (children of the MIA sib) have spiraled downward into low income jobs, out of wedlock babies and government assistance. Their own parents (divorced) had no involvement in church as children or as adults, and when this niece and nephew did attend church, it was with their aunts and uncles, because their grandparents also didn't attend.

Randy Alcorn says ". . . fifteen percent of everything Jesus said related to money and possessions. He spoke about money and possessions more than heaven and hell combined. The only subject Jesus spoke of more often is the Kingdom of God. Why? Because the Scriptures make clear there is a fundamental connection between a person's spiritual life and his attitudes and actions concerning money and possessions."

You can take a child to church, but you can't give him your faith. And charitable behavior stems from the faith. If it has worked out differently in your family, God bless 'em. It won't get anyone into heaven, but it will help some organization's bottom line.

3434 Global warming vs. climate change

One is a political, social and economic juggernaut designed to bring down global investments, high employment and capitalism, requiring hysteria and lemming like behavior; the other is a scientific, measurable fact, something that has been going on since Ohio was covered with glaciers, Lake Erie was flooding Cleveland, and Greenland was green, requiring some humility, hard science and common sense.

Animal rights vs. animal welfare

One is a political movement designed to bring down or stop medical research and pharmaceutical companies, various industries and capitalism in general; the other is a compassionate, moral and scientifically sound way to treat animals for the best interests of people.

Feminism vs. women's rights

One is a far reaching political movement designed to stomp out certain patriarchal cultures and behaviors by replacing them with matriarchal forms just as repressive and capitalism in general; the other suggests that although not a better or more moral species, women have a lot to offer society especially in government and business.

Pro-choice vs. pro-life

One is a political movement in which struggling people fearing loss of convenience and power, destroy the weakest and most frail, often with cruel and painful methods, choosing death today; the other is a spiritual movement in which struggling people decide to do what is difficult today, believing that life is sacred, choosing death 90 years from now.

Undocumented workers vs. illegal aliens

One is a political and social term used by most politicians, business CEOs and union officials, all looking for more votes, higher profits, or more members; the other is the term the rest of us use for the people flooding across our borders, swamping our social services, taking our jobs and sending money back to their villages to prop up a corrupt and failing government, primarily run by people of Spanish European ancestry whose ancestors used to control most of North and South America and now want it back.

Technorati: climate change, global warming, animal rights, abortion change, illegal aliens

3433 Good advice

We're in the second month of 2007 and I'm still up with my New Year's Resolution, which was to read through the Bible. I'm using the NIV The One Year Bible (1986, Tyndale). Sometimes it is necessary to have "the talk," and just look what Proverbs 6:30-26 (today's selection) provides us parents! Thousands of years old and it is right on the mark.

My son,
keep your father's commands and
do not forsake your mother's teaching.
Bind them upon your heart forever;
fasten them around your neck.
When you walk, they will guide you;
when you sleep, they will watch over you;
when you awake, they will speak to you.
For these commands are a lamp,
this teaching is a light,
and the corrections of discipline are the way to life,
keeping you from the immoral woman,
from the smooth tongue of the wayward wife.
Do not lust in your heart after her beauty
or let her captivate you with her eyes,
for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread,
and the adulteress preys upon your very life.

Wow, God. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Poetry Thursday #5

Today's assignment--a poem with math terms. Plane geometry in my sophomore year in high school was the only math class I ever liked. So here's the poem.

In geometry class
by Norma Bruce
Feb. 1, 2007

You're the only one I ever loved.
Degenerate and full of sin--
your height, your legs
and references to horizontal.
I so me try.

It wasn't meant to be.
I was too square and plane--
just a double cone
melting under Golden spiral rays.
I some try.

You were one dimensional,
between radical and mean,
with just the line
to touch my obtuse midpoint--
Is o me try.

Before I go on a tangent--
Upon reflection
I no longer flip over your
face or cute little axis.
You are zero to me now.

Poetry Thursday
Poetry
American poetry
geometry

3431 More on early retirement

Seems I was the only one who thought Sheryl McCarthy in the Forum section of USA Today was expecting too much protectionism for her older worker status yesterday. The comments following her Opinion forum tell some mighty sad stories of well-qualified, highly educated and superior employees put out to pasture much too early.

So was I just being an old meany, or did I have a little personal experience? Let me offer three examples, as the spouse of an unemployed worker, the superviser doing the hiring, and the government employment trainer.

My husband lost his job in 1976 while he was still in his 30s. It's terribly traumatic when you've got two little kids to feed and clothe and a mortgage, car payment, etc. but no job. We were not a two income family, we had a tiny savings for emergencies, and the paycheck stretched to about the 29th of the month. You've heard of the Great Depression? 1977-79 was the era of The Great Inflation (Carter was president and I think we had a Democratic congress). In the building trades, we were dead in the water a few years before the worst recession since the 1930s (1981-82, until Reagan got his tax cuts in place and turned things around). Big firms were gobbling up jobs they would have sneered at even two years earlier, leaving nothing for the smaller firms. My husband was only out of work three weeks, but emotionally it took years for him to recover. He was griped by fear and lost a lot of weight dropping below 130 lbs. Although he was hired by a good firm and eventually became a partner and owner, the personal dynamics were awful (and he's a very easy guy to get along with), but the earlier scare kept him there until 1994 when he left to start his own firm as sole practitioner.

In 1978 I took a wonderful contract, part-time position in the OSU agriculture library working in the agricultural credit field and there was enough money in the grant (Dept. of State) for me to hire a clerical assistant to do the typing, binding of documents, and filing. One of the candidates I interviewed was 10 years older than me and taking post graduate work to get a PhD in economics (my background was languages, not business). She was desperate for a job--any job. She was so incredibly over qualified it wasn't funny, and she hoped she'd left clerical work in her past. I hired a work-study undergrad. I simply didn't feel comfortable supervising a woman better educated and older than me--but I also believe it was not a job for a PhD candidate. The 19 year old loved it, did a terrific job because she had had many similar jobs (and I was a great boss), graduated and moved on.

In 1983, just as the economy was starting to pick up, I took a JTPA (formerly CETA) funded contract, part-time position with the Ohio Department of Aging helping agencies and organizations who would retrain older people to find new jobs. Many businesses hadn't made it through those bad years of the late 70s early 80s and older workers had trouble even preparing resumes. I learned two critical things about older workers: First, we can learn new skills and methods, but after age 25 it's like teaching a child with learning disabilities--it takes longer and needs to be approached from a variety of angles; Second, if you're unemployed and going to look for work, you need to put in 40 hours a week looking--your new job is to get a job. The way you submit resumes is different today, but you still need to get down to business immediately and not let up on the search.

Because I had so many part-time and temporary jobs, I've also learned over the years that when you're gone, it's over. Don't expect office or professional friendships to last unless there is something besides work holding it together, like church or hobbies. They'll all be trying to hang on to their jobs too, needing current professional contacts that can assist them. You'll have fewer hurt feelings and remorse if you just let it go.

3430 Goal!

It's been four months, but today I got to the 20 lb weight loss. I call it my "broadband" gain--I put on 20 lbs not when I retired, but when we got RoadRunner and I started blogging in October 2003 (now have 10 blogs). Way too much sitting--much more than when I worked. I hadn't lost an ounce since early December, then in the last 8 or 9 days, lost 3 lbs. In 1983 I lost 20 pounds after I joined an aerobic dance class--nothing happened for about 6 months. It was great fun, and I loved the class, but eventually there were scheduling problems, instructors changed, I went back to work, etc., and the pounds started to return. In 1993 I had to shave a few pounds for my daughter's wedding. Both of those times I was thinner than today, but I was also younger. Fat is a natural filler for wrinkles, and a cushion for blog bottoms. So, I don't think I'll go any lower.

3429 Temperature's dropping

I've been getting a lot of hits to my frozen car door entry, sometimes 12 a day. Today a Canadian reader left me a message to check out this gadget. For all I know, he owns the company, but if you're having problems, at least take a look.

3428 A message from the troops' families

"Our men and women in harms way cannot afford the U.S. to be sending defeatist news to them. It only gives encouragement and emboldens our enemies - the terrorists! Now is the time for Americans to Unite and speak out for a successful completion of the mission in Iraq and Afghanistan. Success that would ensure the security for the future of the U.S.

I ask you today to write/email/call your congressional leaders. Encourage them to drop the Nonbinding Resolution - it will serve only 1 purpose - to further endanger the men and women who have placed their lives on the line for us - for freedom! We need to challenge Congress to look at all the consequences of failure - and start talking WINNING! You can't win a Super Bowl if you don't play the last quarter! You certainly cannot win a war if you speak as though you've already lost."

Families United

Here's a surprise

Would you survive in the wild? Your Result: Yesiree!....   You could live in the wild if you wanted to! You know what to eat, do, and stay away from! You could get shelter, food, water fast and easy-and the right treatments to injuries, snake bites etc...You know the outdoors like the back of your hand!!
Wouldn't last 2 minutes!.....
Maybe........
Not to sure...
Most likely you'll survive....
Would you survive in the wild? Quizzes for MySpace

HT Born Again Redneck