Thursday Thirteen--13 communication tips for fathers

In today's Wall Street Journal a father of 3 writes to Sue Shellenbarger's column looking for resources he can read on spending better quality time with his children. As a former librarian, I'm always happy when someone wants to read a book, but even suggesting that the amount of time you spend is less important than what you do with the kids, rubs me the wrong way. Most kids just would like more time with dad. They are reading you each moment you are with them. They've got the rest of their lives to go to Disneyland, or play golf, or attend recitals, or listen to dad blather and rant on his favorite topic. Parents needs to be reminded of something I often overlooked: your children will be adults much longer than they will be minors.

So here are my 13 tips for quality time with your children, dad. There are lots of ways to communicate (we have 5 senses) and sometimes, keeping your mouth shut is one of them.

1) Show affection and respect for their mother. No longer married? Never married? Don't say a single negative thing about their mother, your own mother or her mother in front of them. You are modeling good male behavior. You are not only the man of the house, but you are Every-man to them.

2) Get home from work at a decent hour and eat a sit-down, in-the-home dinner, not in front of the TV. It's nice if you know how to cook, but not essential. Let the kids help with prep and clean up--it is time together, and a learning opportunity for you both. Save the eating out--even at fast food places or pizza--for special events. You'll also save a lot of money.

3) Always be the grownup around their friends. Clean up your mouth. No dirty jokes, swearing, cussing around the little boys. No flirting or over the top or slobbery compliments for the little girls. They just might be laughing at you instead of with you if you're pulling those stunts.

4) Don't dress like a slob or from the box of donations, even when working in the yard. Don't imitate the kids' fashion trends--you'll look silly and embarrass them. Buy a decent pair of long pants and a shirt with a collar so that when you are in public the waitress knows who gets the check. Pay attention to your personal hygiene. Shave. Haircut. Deodorant. You know--the basics without smelling like the Tommy counter at a men's boutique.

5) Make your home a tech-free zone for at least an hour when you are all at home together or after dinner. No gaming or other addictive behavior. No checking e-mail, blogging, or alternate reality cybersurfing. No cell phones, i-pods, blackberries. No TV, TIVO, or DVDs. Zip, nada, zilch. You'd be surprised when you unplug how you will learn to talk and listen to children.

6) Go to religious services with them; don't just drop them off, or let the bus pick them up at the door, or send them with a friend. Know when the special events are and show up. Find one thing you can volunteer for which will help free up another over-committed dad, but don't let it become something that takes time away from your children.

7) Don't turn your sons into sissies or swaggering macho-men.

8) Don't turn your daughters into prissies, sassies or baby britneys.

9) Eat healthy in front of them. Don't give them cause to fear you will drop dead from a heart attack, COPD or diabetes. Don't smoke or become drunk in their presence. Children watch that behavior like hawks. They see all the ads and billboards--then look at you to see what you're doing.

10) Model good financial habits. Don't ever cheat or skip out on a responsibility--especially not a support payment; pay your bills on time; watch out how you use plastic; teach them a few acronyms and numbers like IRA, FICA, 401-k and 403-b and expand their vocabulary with key words such as equities, mortgage, taxes and mutual funds.

11) Let them see you active, but not so obsessed with running or golf or the gym that it takes you away from them. Don't expect them to enjoy your favorite sport--or any sport, but get them in the habit of moving something besides the finger on the remote or keypad of the cellphone.

12) Spend time with them at bath time when they are little and bed time at least up to age 10; listen to their prayers, tuck them in at night. One by one. Quiet time alone. It may not do a thing for them, but it will do a lot for you and help keep your head on straight about priorities and why you are working so hard.

13) Don't be afraid to do things with them just because it's good for them--art shows, concerts, visiting relatives or volunteering. Tuesday we went to the Columbus Museum of Art with our son and his friend at his invitation and reminisced how we took him to art shows when he was little, protesting the entire time. It's not his favorite thing to do even today, but it's nice to know he can hold up his end of a conversation about art.



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