The U.S. government has just passed a new law called: "The Affordable Turkey Act..." declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a Turkey this Thanksgiving, no later than Thanksgiving itself, Thursday, November 28th, 2013. These "affordable" turkeys will cost an average of $430 -$545 each. This does not include stuffing, cooking pots, meat thermometers, hunting fees, feather plucking fees, a stove or other device used to cook it in, meat cutters, “removal of innards” fees, labor costs resulting from losses caused by passing out after eating yourself sick of turkey [i.e. 1lb dark meat = appx. 2 lbs white meat in estimated labor losses felt by your employer].
This law has been passed, because until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase turkeys during Thanksgiving. This new law ensures that every American can now have an "affordable" turkey of his or her own, because everyone is "entitled" to a turkey during Thanksgiving. If you purchase your turkey before Thanksgiving, you will receive 4 "free" pilgrim vests; not including frequent dry-cleaning fees.
In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable turkey, the costs of buying a Thanksgiving turkey will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don't want, still can’t afford, or haven’t enough space in their stomachs or people in their home to eat it all. But to be fair, people who can't afford to buy a turkey for Thanksgiving will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can just eat their parent’s turkey until they turn 27; then they must purchase their own turkey for Thanksgiving. If you already have a turkey, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can't). If you don't want or don't need turkey this Thanksgiving, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can't afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one, or face imprisonment. Failure to eat the turkey this Thanksgiving will also result in fines. People living on the beachfronts; ghettos; inner cities or areas with no access to grocery stores or hunting grounds are not exempt. Meat allergies, veganism/vegetarianism, PETA advocates, lack of knowledge nor desire to cook your turkey are unacceptable excuses for not eating your turkey this Thanksgiving.
A government review board (that doesn't know the difference between the turkey, duck, and bacon in a turducken will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can eat your turkey, to include how many people you can share your Thanksgiving turkey with and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to eat turkey. They will also decide if your turkey is acceptable to FDA or USDA standards or if you must purchase specific seasonings, condiments, recipes or other additions, (like a government issue can of cranberry sauce estimated at $25.00) or a newer and more fresh turkey. Those who can afford turduckens will be required to do so...it's only fair.
The government will also change the name of the “wishbone” to the “hopebone” as they will be determining the full extent of your fortune in the event that you snap off the larger half of said bone. Failure to comply with these rules – such as continuing to call it a “wishbone” – will also result in fines and possible imprisonment.
Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a Thanksgiving turkey, they and their families can obtain turkeys for free, at the expense of taxpayers. Unions, bankers and mega companies with large political affiliations ($$$) are also exempt. If the government can force you to buy health insurance, they can force you to buy a Thanksgiving turkey....or ANYTHING else.. It really is that simple.
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