The lies we believe

Lies have been in the news lately. How about those lies we tell ourselves? Dr. Chris Thurman has written a book, "The Lies We Believe" which he says are at the root of a lot of our personal problems and unhappiness. Give up those lies and you're on your way to . . . well, maybe a healthier life? My copy came from the church library and seems to be a 2nd ed., although it doesn't actually say that--a combination of the original book and workbook. It's a Christian book published by Thomas Nelson. As part of the "growthwork" he lists 30 lies, and the reader is to rate herself from 1 (strongly disagree) to 7 (strongly agree) avoiding if possible too many 4s which would sort of be fence sitting. These are the lies we believe, and the rest of the book explains how to recognize them in your thinking, and try to go for the truth. Because who wants a life based on lies? (Apparently a lot of people!)

1. I must be perfect.

2. I must have everyone's love and approval.

3. It is easier to avoid problems than to face them.

4. I can't be happy unless things go my way.

5. My unhappiness is someone else's fault.

6. You can have it all.

7. My worth is determined by my performance.

8. Life should be easy.

9. Life should be fair.

10. I shouldn't have to wait for what I want.

11. People are basically good.

12. All my marital problems are my spouse's fault.

13. If my marriage takes hard work, my spouse and I must not be right for each other.

14. My spouse can and should meet all of my emotional needs.

15. My spouse owes me for what I have done for him/her.

16. I shouldn't have to change who I am to make my marriage better.

17. My spouse should be like me.

18. I often make mountains out of molehills.

19. I often take things personally.

20. Things are black or white to me.

21. I often miss the forest for the trees.

22. The past predicts the future.

23. I often reason things out with my feelings rather than the facts.

24. God's love must be earned.

25. God hates the sin and the sinner.

26. Because I'm a Christian, God will protect me from pain and suffering.

27. All of my problems are caused by my sins.

28. It is my Christian duty to meet all the needs of others.

29. A good Christian doesn't feel angry, anxious, or depressed.

30. God can't use me unless I'm spiritually strong.

If you are not a Christian or even if you have no religious faith at all, you can probably substitute something that fits. Some of these don't sound like lies (18-21), but I'll read further to see how he explains that.

Also, if you're not married, or don't have significant problems in your marriage, I'm guessing you can fill in those with parents, siblings, friends or work colleages.

I see lies number 1-11 as those you believe when you're young--at least up to age 40. One day you wake up and realize . . . Life isn't fair, You can't have it all, Not everyone is going to love me and I really don't care, I can too be happy if I don't get my own way--in fact, I just might be happier, and People aren't basically good--some are real stinkers, some evil, and some are depraved and seem to have been so since the beginning.

There are other lies we buy into, especially when we're older. The ones about family and friends, for instance. This is not Thurman's list--just mine.

1. They had good parents, a great education and all the advantages--they shouldn't be acting this way (be in jail), (divorcing the wonderful long suffering spouse), (living in poverty), (failing at careers), etc.

2. I shouldn't be this sick--I've been very careful.

3. All you need to do is set limits.

4. If you expect the best, you'll get the best.

5. Other families don't have these problems.

6. Other people have more (better, richer, smarter, etc.) friends.

7. I don't have time to (fill in the blanks--read, play tennis, join a gourmet club, travel, knit, paints, etc.)

8. Everyone at church is a hypocrite.

9. Science has all the answers.

10. Poverty is the root cause of crime (assault, mental illness, terrorism, homelessness, abuse, etc.).

11. When I get that next promotion (car, house, outfit), I'll be happy.

12. I can fix other people.

13. If they had just listened to me. . . then. . .

14. If the pastor doesn't visit me in the hospital, the church call doesn't count.

15. I'm always the one who has to clean up the mess others make.

16. It's easier to lie than to tell the truth.

17. One more bite won't matter. . . I'll just even this up a bit.

And there are more--can you make your own list?

However, if you are over 60, it's the "shoulda coulda woulda's" that hobble us, more than the lies. I'll have to make a list of those.