30 Lessons for Loving, book review by guest blogger Adrienne Zahniser

Dr. Karl Pillemer, a gerontologist and Professor of Human Development at Cornell University, has provided an intriguing look at love and marriage from the viewpoint of over 700 married adults, 65 and older, representing a total of 25,000 years of married life.  His five-chapter book, neatly divided into six lessons per chapter, is the result of a carefully designed in-depth interview study named the Marriage Advice Project, which he outlines in the Appendix.  Here he details the need of such a study, his research methods, ways he found a diverse and appropriate sample of interviewees, how he determined the questions and conducted the interviews, and how he analyzed the enormous amount of data collected.  His goal was to ask these older experts, married 30 years or more, “directly and in detail about the kinds of advice they would offer younger people about getting and staying married in a complex and difficult world.”

Though the study was quite academic in nature, the book itself is written for a popular audience—more personal, few end notes, no index or bibliography—with many quotes.  Excerpts from the many interviews are used freely and engagingly; a reader senses that both men and women responded thoughtfully, even eagerly to the questions for which they had much experience and definite ideas.  Some of these persons were widowed, some divorced, some had multiple marriages, some were same-sex, but the overwhelming cohort was 70-90 year-old couples in traditional one-time marriages.

The elders agreed on a number of important issues:  love is necessary in marrying, but so is common sense.  Sharing similar core values and interests, especially in such areas as money, religion, child rearing, careers, sex, friends is essential.  Additional values, often repeatedly mentioned, were sense of humor, honesty, trust, ability to listen and communicate, courtesy and respect, being good friends—a team, accepting partners as they are without trying to change them, and making time for each other.  The final lesson from all these experts:  “treat marriage, at every stage, as a lifelong commitment.”  Marriage then is a discipline, “a path where you get better at something by mindfully attending to it and by continual practice.” 

Most of these ideas are found in the multitude of advice books available to readers today.  This one, however, is unique because of the large sample group of older adults with views from the end of life; their experiences, both positive and negative, represent the full gamut of joys and problems inherent in love, relationships, and marriage.  They have earned a right to be heard, and the author has provided an amazing amount of useful information by listening to these many “grandparents,” then arranging their responses in a pleasing format.  This is a book you will enjoy reading and recommending to your friends and relatives! 

30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage by Karl Pillemer, Hudson Street Press, 2015. ISBN 978-1-59463-154-2, $25.95.     For more information, visit http://marriagelegacy.org. Dr. Pillemer blogs at Huffington Post and has been interviewed by a number of news sources and media outlets. He has also written 30 lessons for Living, and is thinking about his next book which may be about finding one’s purpose in life, also based on the advice of older people. (I think he likes us!)

Would I go to Canoga Park for a Spudnut?

Yes.  You’ve read about them at this blog.  Although I don’t recognize any of the crazy toppings, I have fond memories of the little shop in Urbana, Illinois when I was at the University of Illinois in the 1950s and 1960s.

In January I wrote

In 2008 I wrote

In 2007 I wrote

In 2006 I wrote

In 2005 I wrote

Spudnuts Donuts
8225 Topanga Canyon Blvd
Canoga Park, CA 91304
818.348.5054
www.spudnutsdonuts.com

“Made with real potato flour, Spudnuts are lighter and fluffier than normally raised donuts. You won’t be disappointed with the flour change and will most likely make this your new donut shop. Order up their crazy Cronut, their famous pastry that keeps people coming back for more.” http://localemagazine.com/best-donuts-los-angeles/

It’s Spring, but . . .

As I recall one of the worst storms we had in Columbus was April 4, 1987—we got over 12 inches and we were at a wedding.  The pastor couldn’t get there; someone else had to stand in. But they are still married. We’ve also had March blizzards—one of the worst in 2008.

List of California low priced wines in lawsuit

We’ve purchased some of these brands, but not necessarily the specific wine.  I don’t see any red merlots.

http://www.kgw.com/story/news/health/2015/03/23/list-of-wines-cited-in-lawsuit-as-having-high-arsenic-levels/70342138/?c=n

Abortion in the early church

It’s not like we weren’t told from the beginning.

The Didache

“The second commandment of the teaching: You shall not murder. You shall not commit adultery. You shall not seduce boys. You shall not commit fornication. You shall not steal. You shall not practice magic. You shall not use potions. You shall not procure [an] abortion, nor destroy a newborn child” (Didache 2:1–2 [A.D. 70]).

The Letter of Barnabas

“The way of light, then, is as follows. If anyone desires to travel to the appointed place, he must be zealous in his works. The knowledge, therefore, which is given to us for the purpose of walking in this way, is the following. . . . Thou shalt not slay the child by procuring abortion; nor, again, shalt thou destroy it after it is born” (Letter of Barnabas 19 [A.D. 74]).

The Apocalypse of Peter

“And near that place I saw another strait place . . . and there sat women. . . . And over against them many children who were born to them out of due time sat crying. And there came forth from them rays of fire and smote the women in the eyes. And these were the accursed who conceived and caused abortion” (The Apocalypse of Peter 25 [A.D. 137]).

Athenagoras

“What man of sound mind, therefore, will affirm, while such is our character, that we are murderers? . . . [W]hen we say that those women who use drugs to bring on abortion commit murder, and will have to give an account to God for the abortion, on what principle should we commit murder? For it does not belong to the same person to regard the very fetus in the womb as a created being, and therefore an object of God’s care, and when it has passed into life, to kill it; and not to expose an infant, because those who expose them are chargeable with child-murder, and on the other hand, when it has been reared to destroy it” (A Plea for the Christians 35 [A.D. 177]).

And others, Tertullian, Minucius Felix, Hippolytus, Council of Ancyra, Basil the Great, etc.

http://lifeissues.net/writers/bra/bra_02christiansandabor.html

http://www.godandscience.org/abortion/earlychristian.html

Update on the local house explosion

On Saturday a house about a mile from us exploded, damaging 7 others and dropping debris for miles even in adjoining suburbs.  It continues to be on the news—it’s pretty unusual, not only from the damage but because no one was hurt. It was a lovely day, and there didn’t appear to be anyone outside in the area.  The owners are visiting relatives in Japan, and even their dog had been boarded out.  But everything in the house and garage, including their car, is all over the neighborhood.  People are finding scraps of personal effects for miles, like pages from a Japanese cookbook. One interview last night reported that neighbors had been complaining for over  year to the gas company about the “rotten egg” smell, but were always told nothing was found.  And I think it is still there—makes it a bit scary.

http://www.nbc4i.com/story/28593258/6-homes-deemed-not-safe-after-upper-arlington-house-explosion

http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/local/2015/03/21/House_explosion.html

Yes, I’m still in Virginia!

I’ve now cycled over 440 miles since Christmas and am still in Virginia according to “Tools to Keep You Active” chart. This photo is near Cedar Springs, VA, in  Wythe County. The health sites say your waist needs  to be at least one half your height measurement, and exercise should be 30 minutes a day. At least for certain health problems.   I’ve lost 22 pounds. No more leg pain. Well, that was easy. Medicare has spent thousands on tests in 2014 for me for blood clots and poor circulation all of which were negative, and all I needed to do was stop snacking, eat more healthy meals and exercise more. Nothing like lugging 40 extra pounds around to make your legs hurt. While I exercise on the bike I also use a finger strengthener.  I always had to ask for help to open detergent bottles or olives or even juice.  I think plastic bottles are sometimes the worst because it’s hard to get a grip. Hand strength is coming a bit more slowly; not sure I’ve seen improvement.

If ethics laws apply to wives, they should also cover girlfriends and mistresses, or whatever a boy toy is called

“Andrew Cuomo, a Democrat, is demanding that lawmakers report income they make from outside jobs as part of an ethics overhaul. In response, Republican lawmakers say it's only fair to require officials to file disclosures including the finances of domestic partners such as Lee, a successful TV chef and author.”

http://news.yahoo.com/tv-celeb-sandra-lee-pulled-ny-legislative-ethics-225547313.html

From my bookshelves.

Let’s have a conversation . . .

14 Ways Consumers Can Reduce Food Waste

“About 40 percent of the United States food supply (1,500 calories/ person/day) goes uneaten. Discarded food in homes and foodservice accounts for 60 percent of this total food loss and is mostly avoidable. The remaining portion is lost or wasted during food production.”  Food Reflections.  I’ve been subscribing to this newsletter for over 15 years. It’s from Extension at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.

I looked at the list of 14 things we can do at home, and have been doing 13 of them (I don’t compost ) and I’m sure I still waste food.

Starbucks

I’m a little mixed on this message.  Any business should be responsive to the stockholders.  If the company can’t earn a profit in a black neighborhood, it shouldn’t be there.  However, the CEO should stop being such a hypocrite about race.

Officer involved shooting, Columbus

Police were called to a home by a family.  While the officer was taking the report about their being threatened, the perp showed up with a gun and tried to shoot the officer. The intruder was shot and killed.  Race of either hasn’t been released.  If the criminal was black and the officer white, we’ll hear more.  If not, we’ll have to search for more information on the outcome.  If Al Sharpton shows up with a busload of Soros sponsored trouble makers, that should tell us something.

http://www.nbc4i.com/story/28581173/officer-involved-shooting-on-citys-north-side

http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/local/2015/03/22/officer-kills-man-on-north-side.html

I have a very dumb cell phone (I like it that way), and even I knew she was lying

Liberals aren’t

This past week has seen the outrage generated by parents of donor and invitro-fertilization children following a now-infamous Panorama magazine interview conducted with the fashion designers Dolce & Gabbana, wherein Domenico Dolce proclaimed, “You are born to a mother and a father — or at least that’s how it should be. I call children of chemistry, synthetic children.” Immediately, Elton John advocated a boycott of the designers’ products in retaliation for the perceived offense against his two sons, who were conceived via an egg donor and surrogate mother.”  http://www.npr.org/2015/03/16/393403211/elton-john-declares-boycott-against-dolce-gabbana

In another story a young woman named Heather wrote about how much she loved her mother and her partner (a lesbian couple), yet longed for her father. On the internet you would think she had suggested lynching them even though she wrote of fond memories with her mother’s lesbian friends and gay sponsored events. Children of other disrupted families are allowed to grieve, why not children of gay couples, she wonders. http://thefederalist.com/2015/03/17/dear-gay-community-your-kids-are-hurting/

A black liberal media personality, MSNBC contributor Jonathan Capeheart, in an op-ed apologized this past week for reporting on the Ferguson story before he had all the facts—particularly the “Hands up don’t shoot,” and I’d be surprised if he isn’t fired by Monday. It’s rare for any news journalist to sincerely apologize, liberal or conservative. He should be commended, not condemned. Just ask Juan Williams of Fox who was fired by NPR. http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/fact-checker/wp/2015/03/19/hands-up-dont-shoot-did-not-happen-in-ferguson/

And my goodness, don’t even get started on the high STD and HIV rates among transgendered male to female persons. They are really messing with the stats for women.  I’d be surprised if studies will continue to be reported in JAMA.  It’s a tiny segment of the population with a huge problem. http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/risk/transgender/

And if you point out the high abortion rate for black women (about 38% of black pregnancies in NYC are aborted), then you are a racist—even if the government reports on it first.  I know this from personal experience when I posted the information on Facebook and was dropped by a liberal for being racist. http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr60/nvsr60_07.pdf

Truth is a casualty when ideology is the goal. There was a time, even in my life time, when liberal was a proud word—stood for being open and tolerant to new ideas and exchange of information.  Now it means one must desire and vote for more government control and concede to the current culture or be called a hater.

Good advice for most projects

The original copyright for my Singer Sewing Book is 1953. It has similar pithy words of wisdom.

• "The psychiatrists say that ugly dresses have caused more complexes than have "prettier sisters" or "scolding mothers." Every child has the right to becoming, yes, pretty, clothes." p. 165 [What would we do without the advice of psychiatrists?]
• "There is real advantage in teaching children to sew--boys and girls. No matter what they do with their hands later, whether they become artists or sculptors or electricians or radio or television repairmen--technicians of any kind--if the muscles of the fingers and the hands are trained to sew, this training can be beneficial." p. 166 [Now we have video games for eye-hand coordination.]
• "Boys require only slightly less fabric than girls." p. 164 [Even in the days of poodle skirts?]
• "When sewing for children, study color in relation to their skin color, eyes and hair." p. 163 [Years before Color me Beautiful!]
• "Use both hands when you sew." p. 153 [I'd never thought of doing it any other way, did you?]
• "Look your prettiest for this try-on [basted garment]. A dress in its fitting stage is no doubt passing through its one ugly hour." p. 50
• "An itinerant tailor, Ebenezer Butterick, through the urging of his wife, Ellen, was the first to make patterns available in the United States to women who sew. He made patterns and rented them to customers. . ." p. 35 [Behind every good man . . .]
• "There is no reason for anyone's not making a beautiful seam, because it takes so little time to learn to stitch straight and to "power" evenly." p. 5 [Is that possessive pronoun necessary in this sentence?]

Gas explosion a few blocks from our home—50 firefighters respond

“UPPER ARLINGTON, Ohio - At least seven homes were destroyed or damaged Saturday when a house exploded in Upper Arlington. The explosion was reported around 2:45 p.m. at a home on Sunningdale Way in Upper Arlington.

According to firefighters, a Columbia Gas employee was investigating an earlier report of a gas smell at the home at the time of the explosion.
A mail carrier told NBC4's Dan Pearlman that he reported smelling natural gas in the area around 11:30 a.m.

Tremont Road is closed near the OSU Golf course. NBC4 crews reported seeing debris from the explosion as far away as West North Broadway.” NBC TV local

We heard the boom, but had no idea what had happened until it was reported on the news. It could be felt as far south as Grandview and all the way into Clintonville.

Columbus Dispatch photo

Netanyahu’s speech before Congress

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lELXynhbS84

This is what a leader in our times sounds like. If you search his name in the upper left search window, you can find quite a few entries about him over the last few years.

A list of martyred popes—Wikipedia

I’m listening to a lecture (while riding my exercycle) on how the pagans were evangelized in the early church.  Now that Christians are being killed for the faith in larger numbers than the first century, it’s a good message to hear.  It wasn’t Facebook, Twitter and rock concerts, for sure. In some ways it is more difficult today. He mentioned how many popes were killed.  Tough job! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sV_MsGUzN_I#t=1547  Don’t miss the final minutes of the talk where Steve Ray meets his neighbor in the judgment. Story of Steve Ray.

“The full list of popes from Peter up through John Paul II, including many mentioned as martyrs, is found in I Sommi Pontifici Romani, Annuario Pontificio, and the iconography of the Basilica of Saint Paul Outside the Walls. A secondary source, Liber Pontificalis or "Book of the Popes", adds "crowned with martyrdom" for half a dozen of the first 33 popes not specifically identified as martyrs in the primary sources. Several other popes are traditionally said to have been martyred, according to the Acts of the Martyrs and other sources of unknown authenticity.

• Saint Peter (c.67), traditionally martyred by crucifixion^[3]
• Pope Linus (Saint) (c.67-c.76)^[4][5]
• Pope Anacletus or Cletus (Saint) (c.79-c.92)^[6][4]
• Pope Clement I (Saint) (c.92-c.99), thrown into sea with anchor around his neck^[4]
• Pope Evaristus (c.99-c.108);^[4][5] not listed in the Roman Martyrology
• Pope Alexander I (Saint) (c.106-c.119);^[4][5] recognition as the martyred Saint Alexander (feast day May 3) rescinded in 1960
• Pope Sixtus I (Saint) (c.119-c.128)^[4][5]
• Pope Telesphorus (Saint) (c.128-c.138)^[4][7]
• Pope Hyginus (Saint) (c.138-c.142);^[4] martyrdom dubious^[8]
• Pope Pius I (Saint) (c.142-c.154), martyred by the sword;^[9] claim of martyrdom removed from the 1969 General Roman Calendar^[10]
• Pope Anicetus (Saint) (155-166), traditionally martyred.^[4]
• Pope Soter (Saint) (166-175), died a martyr ^[4]
• Pope Eleuterus (Saint) (175-189), died a martyr ^[4]
• Pope Victor I (Saint) 189-199, died a martyr ^[4]
• Pope Calixtus I (Saint) (217-222), died a martyr ^[4]
• Pope Urban I (Saint) 222-230, died a martyr ^[4]
• Pope Pontian (Saint) 230-235, condemned to mines in Sardinia and died on island of Tavolara^[4]
• Pope Anterus (Saint) Elected 12/21/235, martyred at hands of Emperor Maximus ^[4]
• Pope Fabian (Saint) (Elected 1/10/236 and died a martyr 1/20/250 during persecution by Decius)^[4]
• Pope Cornelius (Saint) (Elected March 251 and died a martyr June 253).^[4]
• Pope Lucius I (Saint) Elected 6/25/253 and martyred 3/5/254.^[4]
• Pope Stephen I (Saint) Elected 5/12/254 and martyred 8/2/257.^[4][1]
• Pope Sixtus II (Saint) (Elected 8/30/257 and martyred 8/6/258).^[4]
• Pope Dionysius (Saint) Elected 7/22/259 after year of persecutions and died 12/26/268, martyred ^[4]
• Pope Felix I (Saint) Elected 1/5/269 and died 12/30/274, martyred ^[4]
• Pope Eutychian (Saint) Elected 1/4/275 and martyred 12/7/283. ^[4]
• Pope Caius (Saint) Elected 12/17/283 and martyred 4/22/296, but not at hands of his uncle, Diocletian ^[4]
• Pope Marcellinus (Saint) Elected 6/30/296 and martyred 10/25/304 during persecution of Diocletian ^[4]
• Pope Marcellus I (Saint) Elected 5/27/308 after 4-year vacancy and martyred 1/16/309.^[4]
• Pope Eusebius (Saint) Elected 4/18/309 and martyred in Sicily 8/17/309. ^[4]
• Pope Martin I (Saint) Elected in 649. Died in exile 9/16/655

Israel is our greatest friend in the middle east and Iran our oldest enemy

Someone please tell our president. Someone please give him a map.

40 maps that explain it.

http://www.israelnationalnews.com/News/News.aspx/192865#!

Of course, he misread the Arab Spring and thought Yemen was our big success. He’s got Muslim Brotherhood advisors in the White House. He pulled our troops out of Iraq allowing ISIS to rush in. He drew lines in the sand and did nothing.  He never says anything about the most persecuted group in the world—the Christians, and didn’t see any anti-Semitism in the Jewish deli incident in Paris. 

http://fresnozionism.org/2010/03/why-obamas-dumping-israel/

It’s détente with Iran and a cold war with Israel.

Blacks in America have been sold out by the very liberals who ardently claim to wish them the most good.

Shelby Steele’s book, Shame. Reviewed by Joseph Epstein

“Liberalism in the twenty-first century,” Mr. Steele writes, “is, for the most part, a moral manipulation that exaggerates inequity and unfairness in American life in order to justify overreaching public policies and programs.” This liberalism, which is not your Aunt Bessie’s liberalism but the liberalism that came into play at the 1972 Democratic convention that nominated George McGovern, “is invested in an overstatement of America’s present sinfulness based on the nation’s past sins.”

Mr. Steele argues that liberalism’s efforts to alleviate the past injustices done to blacks in America have amounted to another botched project of that famously failed political construction firm, the Good Intentions Paving Co. “Liberalism,” Mr. Steele writes, “expresses its inborn racism in the way it overlooks the full human complexity of blacks—the fact that they are more than mere victims—in order to distill and harden the idea of their victimization into a currency of liberal power.”

Liberals, Mr. Steele holds, deal in what he calls “poetic truth.” This is a kind of truth “conceived in reaction to the great shames of America’s past—racism, sexism, territorial conquest (manifest destiny), corporate greed, militarism, and so on.” In poetic truth, the world is reduced to victims and victimizers, with liberals alone innocent of evil and thus excluded, by self-dissociation, from the role of victimizers. Under the realm of poetic truth, Mr. Steele explains, the race riots of the late 1960s could find justification and the feminist slogan “woman as nigger” could be taken seriously, while “fifty years of real moral evolution in America” can be entirely ignored.”

No one wants to be someone else’s “good deed project,” whether in a 3rd world country or urban non-profit.