2105 How to say No

Now that I have your attention, here's a caveat. I never had to learn this--I was born with an over-developed ability to say "No." I could learn a little "Yes, please," or "Certainly, I'll get right on that." However, I have read a lot of blogs and served on a lot of committees and know how stressed out, tired, and cranky people (usually women) are when they've said Yes too many times. Life isn't fun then, but they don't know how to stop the music and get off the merry go-round. So here are my observations and suggestions:

1. You can't say NO because being over-committed makes you feel needed.

2. You can't say NO because being over-committed makes you feel important.

3. You can't say NO because being over-committed makes you feel self-righteous.

I'm not Dr. Sanity, but even I know you'll need to find something else to take up the slack if you just start with saying NO to everything and everyone. It could mess up your whole equilibrium. So, don't try this all at once.

4. Saying NO makes you feel unsafe.

5. Saying NO makes you feel unloved.

6. Saying NO makes you fear being left out.

Perhaps saying NO brings some flash backs of Mommy or Daddy saying "Don't you dare talk back to me, young lady," or memories of your junior high clique dressed in full blown bullying gear and you were afraid to say NO to the group for fear they'd turn on you next.

First, practice in front of a full length mirror. Smile at your reflection, find a relaxed stance, and say, "No." Decide what to do with your hands so you don't look threatening. After a little practice, move on to the word NO followed by a truthful clause, such as "No, I won't be able to car pool next Tuesday because. . ." Don't equivocate! Don't be passive-aggressive. Make your NO mean just that. Above all, be honest. (Unless the reason is her kids are brats, then come up with a little fib.) Don't lead that person on or dawdle with long drawn out excuses. She's busy too and needs to move on to the next sucker person on her list.

After a few days of saying NO to the mirror, (hear it, see it, say it) we move on to "do it." (Those of you with LD experience will recognize the mantra.) Find a compatible friend, one who needs no favors, to role play with you. Give her a script of the most common requests you fall for (the kids need you, the school needs you, your parents need you, the poor need you, you are my last hope, etc.). Have her practice looking horrified, angry, hurt or disappointed at your response. Have her whine, beg and plead.

And get used to it, because you're on your way, babe. Bookmark this blog and return when you're feeling weak.

How to say NO