4352

Artificial or pseudo-twinning in adoption

Every event seems to have its own special day, week or month, and November is National Adoption Month. I was not familiar with the concept of pseudo-twinning, adopting children no more than 8 months apart in age, until I read about Nancy Segal who has done a lot of work on the nurture/nature aspects of twins raised apart. Through her research, I came across an article (from 1997) by Patricia Irwin Johnson who writes to prospective adoptive parents who have been through years of frustration with fertility issues and adoption red tape. It's worth reading the whole article because she knows she's going to be really unpopular, that adoptive parents who have "twinned" will be defensive, and she addresses that first.

The author observes, "The goal of parents who artificially twin babies is the same, no matter how these babies arrive: instant family. It is a logical, understandable goal, born out of great frustration and long term disappointment and pain. But pseudo-twinning is usually not a carefully thought through goal and it comes from self-centered thinking rather than baby-centered thinking. Most of the time it reflects parents’ nearly desperate need to regain control over their family planning and to “get” a child. . . Parents of exceptionally close-in-age babies who protest that they didn’t do this on purpose (and many take this position) are kidding themselves. Adoption doesn’t happen accidentally in the way that birth control fails."

But, knowing that adoptive parents will go ahead any way, she has the following suggestions for those raising babies close in age. Our children are 12 months apart and not the same sex, so they aren't "twins" in the sense of this research, but I often got the "are they twins?" questions. I nearly crippled my back for life by carrying one on each hip (they weighed almost the same). For years I tried to make every thing "fair," which does nothing but create jealousy and cranky kids.

I think all nine of these are important points, even if you just have children who are close in age but not "twinned." In my opinion, it is definitely easier if close together children are not the same sex, but if at all possible, I would seek out different teachers in the school system. Each of us pops out of the womb already stamped with our personality, skills, intelligence, and physical appearance in place. Don't saddle close together sibs with the teacher's expectations--yours and grandma's are enough of a burden.

"Here are nine practical strategies for parents of very close-in-age siblings who arrived as babies.

1) People are fascinated by multiple births and will expect your family to want to do “twin things” because they think twinning is neat and desirable and because they presume that lumping twins together is “easier” on parents. You will need to go to extra lengths to refuse to allow yourself or anyone else in your children’s lives–daycare providers, teachers, grandparents, etc.–to “treat” your children as twins. Dress them differently, give them individual toys (and rooms, if possible), acknowledge birthdays separately, etc. No matter how close they are in age, treat them not as a twinned pair but as you would treat children born at least a year apart.

2) Become acutely tuned in to your babies’ age-related developmental differences, particularly during their first two years of life when change and growth is rapid, and be individually responsive to these differences. As they grow older, be especially observant of and supportive about your children’s individual interests and talents while at the same time fostering their sibling interactions.

3) Remain aware that in all families parents and others have a natural tendency to “lump” close-in-age children together even when they are not twins. This is more often about accomplishing the tasks of family life as efficiently as possible than about not wanting to see children as individuals. In your family this issue becomes more important than in families whose close-in-age children are genetically related.
The common fascination with multiples also means that you will need to be particularly aware when your children are babies of the need to establish family privacy boundaries concerning who really “needs” detailed information about the unusual beginnings of your family. As your children become older, help them to develop their own scripts about how to respond to the curious.

4) Being artificially twinned is likely to be harder on same-sex siblings than on opposite sex pairs. If your children are the same sex, you’ll need to work even harder not to twin them.

5) If your children are of the same race, the assumption that they are fraternal twins will be even greater than it will be if they are of opposite sexes or racially/ethnically different. On the other hand, close sibs of differing races may draw even more questions from the curious, causing the children to feel awkward and uncomfortably “different.”

6) As your children grow, support their close friendship but discourage what could be their inclination to become “twin entwined” as exclusive friends who are frightened of separation from one another.

7) Give serious consideration to planning from pre-school forward to separate your children in school by more than just different rooms and teachers for the same grade. There are two ways to do this: you may decide to hold one back from the beginning (boys in particular often benefit from starting formal kindergarten at 6 rather than 5) or, if the cognitive development of both children makes it in their individual best interests to start school at the same time, you might consider sending them to separate schools.

8) If there was a birthparent deception involved in one or both of your babies’ arrivals, honor your child and his genetic parents by fixing the lie as soon as possible. Allowing this potential problem to exist unaddressed can and will begin to feel like a sword hanging over parents’ heads. Furthermore, the longer you wait, the more likely your child’s birthparent–and eventually your child himself–will feel betrayed. Consider engaging the help of a professional social worker or other mental health professional with mediation training to assist you in sharing this information with your child’s birthparent and establishing a more honest relationship.

9) Above all, give yourself credit for having had the best of intentions in being so eager to build a family that your children arrived close together. Be the best parent you can be to your individual children. If you acknowledge and address your family’s unique issues, allowing yourselves to reach out for support or help when you need it, your family will do very well!"

Instant Family (1997)